EVE: Sacrifice is…:

1. Marriage to Adam
This is the bravest thing for Eve to do. She leaves behind a home she has known since childhood, people, who she loves and love her back unconditionally, to live with a man she has known only for a couple of years (even months) for the rest of her life! If that is not bravery, I don’t know what is.

2. Children
Whether working or stay- at- home, a woman sacrifices a lot of herself when she takes up motherhood. A married African woman is expected to start popping those bundles of joy as soon as she has tied the knot, whether her motherly instincts beckon or not; unless her husband decides otherwise. Some women bear children even when their health is at risk, just to give Adam the family he wants and make him happy.

3. Bad relationships
Most Eves will never walk out of abusive, unfaithful or irresponsible Adams because of their children. They sacrifice their own happiness for their children to enjoy the stability of a family unit.

4. Careers
When Eve gets married, the family comes before her career, or any other dreams and achievements she might have; those are placed a fickle second place. Many are the times she is called upon to choose between her career and her family.

5. Faithfulness
Whereas infidelity among our men is increasingly becoming the norm, and therefore does not attract scorn and disgust (polygamy is African, they claim) a woman, who dares step out of wedlock is christened a whore.

6. Errands
Adam, do you really believe Eve enjoys cooking, washing clothes, cleaning the house, changing stinky diapers, and taking care of whiny children all day long, day in day out?

7. Forgiveness
When it comes to disappointments, Adam is a real expert. Many are the times that Eve has turned a blind eye and forgiven Adam for innumerable heartaches. Eve has always forgiven for the sake of the relationship, hoping the empty promise of reformed behavior, will one day bear fruition.

8. Patience
He will change. That is what Eve keeps telling herself, as she patiently waits for the ‘boy’ to grow up into a responsible man ‘someday’. She courageously stands up for a man no one believes in.

9. Unconditional support
Behind every successful man, is a woman who believes in him, supports and encourages him during difficult times, enabling him to become the man he aspires to be. Most Eves steer their men to success, at the expense of their own advancement.

10. Absolute availability
Unlike Adam who mostly has his priorities jumbled up, Eve works hard to make the relationship stand, and is always willing to make time for her spouse and children, trying anything just to strengthen the family.

ADAM: Having a relationship with Eve is one big hell of a sacrifice

1. Soap operas
Those numerous cheap Mexican soaps need to be washed down the drain, especially when the timing clashes with some manly programmes such as ‘Tahidi High,’ and Eve insists that it is Alehandro she wants to ogle at, and not OJ. Tough sacrifice for Adam.

2. Boys’ outings
The special bond Adam shares with his drinking chums is so deep, that it takes real sacrifice to convince him that he needs to accompany Eve on a Saturday afternoon, to baptism of a friend of a friend of a friend of Eve, or for two hours of window shopping. For peace’s sake, Adam relents.

3. Dinner Dates and Formal Wear
Now where is that moja one shirt and tie, to be worn to Eve’s office dinner, where Adam feels like a dog on a very short leash. But wear the suit and tie, Adam does, all in the name of love. And he says good evening and smiles at stale jokes.

4. Order!
So the toothpaste companies finally learnt what Adam knew ages ago – there is no way a tube of toothpaste can be evenly squeezed for a period of a month. So, they came up with plastic tubes to suit Adam and his ilk. But the sacrifice for Adam goes beyond that – a clean underwear daily, put the toilet sit down, aim accurately while peeing, using the dirty basket, not eating the dessert first, and showering daily, among others. Tall order but Adam makes the move.

5. Love making
Okay, so Adam is horny like a dog (he is a dog after all) but Eve has a headache on the right side of the head. The following day the headache has moved to the left, and the day after that it is on the forehead. Five days later and the headache has done a full tour of the head, and Adam is still patiently waiting. Talk of sacrifices.

6. “Even the cockroaches have moved out of the house because of her nagging,” said one frustrated Adam who for once wanted to trade places with the cockroaches. But he could not, so he learned to sacrifice and listen to the whining and nagging, day in day out.

7. Chamas
Eve belongs to a job chama, a village chama, a neighbourhood chama, a family chama and many more others that demand that each weekend, she is out attending one or the other chama. Occasionally Adam is called upon to attend fund raisers for these chamas. What if Adam was in so many such chamas? Would Eve understand?

8. Mboch aka house girl
The greatest interruption to anyone’s life is that person who seems to hold more powers, than the owner of the house. And Adam apparently has no jurisdiction over this, so he must timidly hold his tongue and sacrifice the peace he holds so dear. So house girls will come and leave the house all at Eves’ whims.

9. Sundays
When will Adam nurse his hangovers, when Eve insists that he tags along to some church service with the preacher belting, and belching out some decibel levels too high to consume? The service is so loud that Adam cannot catch three of the 40 winks, but tag along he does.

10. Singlehood
To sacrifice your freedom for the sake of another being, is the greatest feat on earth. Hear that Eve. Hear.

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How time flies amazes me. It was only the other day I was in Jamhuri, and am getting ready for the annual pilgrimage to the land of my forefathers. Even as I continue with preparations, a few issues come to light.

First, every time I travel home, I have to shop for a suitcase or two. The reason being that I must ferry a heavy cargo to offload on my significant others back home. I have realized that even as I heap gifts and niceties into my luggage, when I take a flight back to stateside; I have one half empty suitcase. This goes a long way to prove the skewed and great divide, in the balance of trade between my significant others and me.

I say this because, none of the people I will visit in the village, buy gifts for me to bring back to Obamaland. When my plane touches down on the land of Kibaki and Raila, most of the people I meet expect a treat from me, either in kind or cash.

And so I cough quiet a handsome amount in terms of matatu fares, lunches, kuku choma, and the ubiquitous mbuzi choma. And who am I to say no to my kith and kin? After all, I will one day depend on them for votes when I run for a political seat in my constituency, when the time comes. By the time I take my flight back, the Kenyan economy will have benefited a great deal in terms of school fees paid, land deals settled, a water tank bought, or a heifer herded towards my mother’s boma.

I will also visit the Maasai Market and get myself a Kamba carving, a kitenge shirt, a beaded belt, and a pair of akala shoes for the Kwanzaa festivals later in the year. These items will also remind me of my heritage as a sojourner in a foreign land. Did I tell you that they call me an alien when I am here? That makes me feel like a Martian with a blue face and green protruding eyes.

I will also try to look for signs of economic development in my village. I have read and heard that things are looking up, what with the expansion of Thika road to a super highway, with six lanes each side? I am told by my sources in Nairobi.

However, my expectations are not so high as far as the Kenyan culture is concerned. I still believe the killing machines in the name of matatus are still ruling our roads. Once upon a time, a no nonsense Minister of Transport tried to bring some sanity to the industry, but his grand idea came to naught when he was given another docket. His successor had one or two matatus on the road, and therefore was not in a hurry to implement the policies set forth.

I am sure that I will also encounter so many used and poorly maintained white Toyota Corolla sedans, driven by owners who bought their driving licenses without attending a driving school. Also included will be quite a number of high end SUVs, driven by the expanding middle class Kenyans, who have come across new money in the numerous NGOs, and foreign corporations operating in Nairobi.

The whole of Nairobi central business district has been turned into a huge bazaar. What were earlier large stores lining up Nairobi streets, have been partitioned into tiny outlets of fake clothing labels, fake DVD movies, and fake electronics. Every third store is a cell phone and accessories outlet, where one can also buy pirated software.

I will also be in Nairobi a few days after the referendum. The dice will have been cast and either Kenya will have a new constitution, or there will be so much noise and hullabaloo about what lead to failure to have one. For this, I know I will encounter all manner of political analysts; professional and pedestrian, who will pretend to have all the answers about everything.

As I drive across the country, I will make sure to have with me enough fifty shillings notes, in case I come across traffic policemen. Even though I am not anticipating driving under the influence, or operating a faulty white Toyota Corolla, those boys in blue will still find something wrong with my car. The fifty shillings note will therefore come in handy, to my being hulled into the traffic court on trumped up charges.

I will also not forget to stop at soko mjinga, if only to annoy those vegetable vendors that line the highway. I will intentionally stop the car right in the midst of the vendors, with all the car windows rolled up and doors tightly shut. Then I will reach my wallet and open it to reveal a few hundred shillings. After that I will return the wallet where it came from and zoom away, without saying a word to anyone.

I will go to all this lengths as revenge to what those vendors of soko mjinga did to me last time; and once beaten, twice shy. Can you believe that I bought a whole debe of minji, only to arrive home and find half of it was empty peels? Wataniona this time.

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They say that beauty is skin deep and although we all know that looks can be deceiving, there are still some Adams we find irresistible for one reason or another:

1.Tall
Eve is mostly attracted to men taller than her. She associates height with assertiveness and masculinity. She sees him as capable of providing protection, with better genetic qualities for their future kids and great social status.

2. A masculinity
Muscularity is an of indicator of masculinity, and Eve likes it. She however does not find the huge ‘oily’ muscles of wrestlers or body builders a turn on. It just does not seem natural and looks kind of…intimidating. Urgh!

3. Deep-set eyes
An attractive man has a captivating piercing, and intense look. If he knows how to maintain eye contact with Eve, as if looking deep into her soul, she could go weak on her knees.

4. Lean body
Neither too skinny nor fat. A skinny man is perceived to be too weak, while an overweight Adam is perceived to be cumbersome and lazy- no offense guys!

5. Flat tummy
Preferably with six-pack abs – pot bellies are a no-no. A flat tummy with six-pack abs indicates fitness and athletic prowess. For some reason, this is associated with greatness in bed.

6. Broad chest and back
This oozes confidence and strength. An Adam with a broad chest can provide protection, and give Eve a sense of security and comfort-or so she hopes.

7. Strong arms and shoulders
This means he is hard working and responsible. He could even be a construction worker; fact is he will work hard to bring the bacon home. This is the kind of Adam that can sweep Eve off her feet, both literally and metaphorically.

8. Full lips
Eve does not just find full lips attractive for romantic reasons, i.e good kissing; they depict softness and gentleness. Of course, it takes more than the perfect lips, to give a perfect kiss.

9. A perfect smile
A dazzling smile that comes with a perfect set of teeth, is not to be ignored. A mouth with a white set of teeth – pun alert – speaks of good hygiene. Need I say more?

10. Strong athletic legs
Many men fail desperately in this department. So, Eve doesn’t care much about the legs – though she wishes they had more flesh on them. Oh well, as long as Adam keeps them safely tucked away in long trousers, Eve can always overlook the skinny, scaly hockey-stick-like things that most Adams pass for legs.

ADAM: Mirror mirror on the wall…

So Eve really wants to know what features turn Adam on. Eh? Beauty is not in the eye of the beholder, but in the heart of Eve.

1. Eyes on the ball
There are those Eves who with their eyes open, are capable of seeing the whole universe. Eves who have big eyes are a real gem. Looking into their eyeballs, and seeing your own reflection is just the ultimate tick. The bigger the eyes the better.

2. Forehead
Forget that old infantile mchongwano ati ‘forehead kama KBS’. There is something very intriguing with an Eve who has an almost perfectly well rounded forehead. And worse still is when that forehead is oiled (with Vaseline), and from a distance is a pure reflection of what beauty is all about. Lovely.

3. Sparkling white teeth
There is the time when Eve unleashes a mouthy smile, and all the Adams just go “wow!” Then the teasing starts – “Just smile again”. And she shamelessly does so. The power of the smile can only be rivaled by the whiteness of the teeth.

4. Dimply the best
Wa, those dimples suck in not only Adam’s strength, but all his love as well. If you Eve have dimples, be very very proud of your God given holes of beauty. Adam adores Eves who have them and sometimes wishes he could hide in there.

5. Laughter
There is that throaty laughter that just sweeps you away wherever you are. You know it. The one that starts from down the belly, then makes its journey through the chest to the throat, before bursting out into uncontrollable guffaws and guffaws. Pure gold.

6. Skin colour
There are Eves who are naturally black and leave it at that, bila bleaching powders and koroga koroga concoction from down River Roadi. And then there are Eves who are mandas brown and leave it at that. Nothing beats seeing a skin that is well tended, without unnatural alterations.

7. Muguu
Tony Nyadundo had no option but go aiya ya ya ya at the sight of those deadly ogwalos aka swegembes. Well proportioned legs that support an equally well proportioned body are a sight to behold. And them lovely legs, wacha tu!

8. Height
Tall. Short. Adam really does not mind whichever. What really counts is number six – being natural about your height. Of course, Adam would prefer a shorter Eve so that it is easier for him to literally protect her (or easily cuddle her to sleep). But either way is fine.

9. Decency
The dressing matters a lot. Make up matters a lot. Hairstyle matters a lot. But all this when not done within constrains of discipline, makes very complicated issues for Eve to convince Adam that there is more to beauty than physical appearances.

10. Size
Eight or 10 or 12 or 30. Back to basics again. So what if Eve is a bouncing castle where babies can have fun the whole day. That babies love such ‘meaty’ substance should be enough reason for Eve not to be stressed about weight. The sights of waif like Eves, keeping stones in their handbags so that the wind does not blow them away, doesn’t augur too well with Adam.

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I went to the supermarket the other day and bought what appeared to be a good bargain for beef patties. I was gearing for a nice one man cook out. And what a way to do it than grill my own hamburger? Also included were Italian sausages, to make me some hot dogs.

The business of the day ended without a hitch, and my innards were in celebration. As I was flossing out the pieces of meat stuck between my teeth, and enjoying a glass of red wine, I turned on the TV to catch up on the local news.

The first news item was that the Federal Drug Administration (FDA) had recalled so many pounds of a particular brand of beef patties, as it was suspected they had caused e coli bacteria and close to 10 deaths across the United States. I did not give the news the necessary weight, until I went to trash some banana peels. Staring at me was the empty beef patties packaging that I had enjoyed a few minutes before. And- you guessed right- they were the same brand as the ones recalled by the FDA.

I looked at the patties packaging, then my belly, and back at the packaging. I shouted the name of the son of Joseph and Mary; I heard my neighbors curse.

Tell me, you who know, what do you do when such an eventuality arises? Whatever had been recalled was sitting pretty in my belly, with bacteria busy mating inside me, increasing their population by the minute. Holy Molly!

Lucky for me, my stomach has lived to digest items that would make the FDA recall me, as a threat to the health of all those who come in contact with me. As a boy, I devoured wild fruits, and ate half cooked rabbit meat that had been partly eaten by my dog, Simba, and when a piece of Ugali fell on the ground, the five seconds rule applied.

This business of recalling things drives me crazy. In the few years I have been around, they have recalled several millions of pounds of beef, lettuce, spinach, toothpaste, toys, baby cribs, bicycles, and recently children’s Tylenol and some coffee cups from Mc Donald’s. I have intentionally omitted from the list, all the Toyotas, Hondas and Chevys, that have been recalled because of this or that reason.

Who do those manufacturers think they are? And what do they take me for? How dare they expose my wife, children, and myself to toxins and death machines? Why would anyone in his right mind make something that would kill babies? The next time I hear a company’s products being recalled, I will drive to its headquarters, and force the president to eat a hamburger made by me. Yes, you heard me right. Spend some money on R and D, whatever that means, MORONS.

And while still at it, how come for the three decades I was resident in the land of Kibaki and Raila, I never heard of one product recalled. Does it mean the manufacturers there are so perfect, or they went to bed long time ago, with the local FDA officials?

I remember many fake products lining up the streets of Nairobi, and no one in authority raises a voice. They range from fake drugs, food items, vehicle parts, clothes, and electronics. The whole city is fake. At one time, Limuru donkey owners would wake up to find their donkeys missing. A few day later, the skeletal remains of donkeys would be seen in Karura forest. Your guess is as good as mine as to where the meat ended.

Back to where I began. I read in last week’s issue of Time Magazine that, corporations spent more than $3.5 billion last year on lobbyists. As they did that, they continued churning our products laden with toxics, releasing them into the market while the watchman slept.

And so it has come to pass that you and I have been left to drive faulty cars, eat bacteria-infested hamburgers, drink from lead-filled cups, and when we get sick, the medicine we take will only quicken our way to the morgue.

It is for this reason that I am mad. Because I am left without a choice but depend on a farmer in Guatemala to grow my bananas, another one in Florida to grow my oranges, while the crankshaft of my car will be made by a deranged, suicidal, overworked and underpaid Chinese laborer.

Because I am angry, I will count until four; and when I become very angry, I will swear, if only to be in agreement with Mark Twain.

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“Will you love her, comfort, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon her your heart’s deepest devotion, forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto her as long as you both shall live?”

Every man responds “I will” while others recite it thus;

“I take you to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health until death do us part.”

Marriage vows vary from custom to custom, but in essence the meaning behind it is the same. It is a solemn promise of faithfulness and unquestionable commitment to a partner. In one sentence, you swear before God and before all who know you, that you will do- not try to- something humanly close to impossible.

When the vows are recited few brides and grooms take time to think about what they are promising each other. At the time, the bride could be wondering, “How does my dress look? I hope the camera man waits for my best shot, before clicking away….damn! Was that the flash, let me try and smile through this, so that he does not catch me unawares again! Did I see David (her ex maybe) in the crowd? Yes, its him! I hope this won’t be awkward…” Her thoughts will be interrupted as she is told to take the ring and say the words after the presiding priest or pastor.

For his part, the groom could be looking at his bride so adoringly, while his mind is going crazy – he could be lost in thought too, “She really does look beautiful, I am lucky. But can I make her happy…nitatoboa kweli? Mmmh…I hope things work out between us. Can I do this? Marriage can’t be that hard…Of course, I can do this! I am so hungry… Can’t wait to eat that delicious food. If only they would speed things up a notch! Was that my stomach rumbling…?” Then he too is interrupted as the page boy hands him the ring to put on his bride’s finger.

Suffice to say; when brides and grooms recite their vows at weddings, the meaning behind this solemn promise is sometimes overtaken by the overwhelming events of the day. A few hours later, two people have promised each other so much. More than they know at the time. They have promised each other things that will need a lot of hard work, commitment, sacrifice and most of all divine intervention.

A few years into marriage, and you realize that what the priest, your friends and family were witnessing the two of you do, was indeed HUGE! This is because every single thing you promised each other, does come to pass. Reciting the vows is nothing; processing the meaning is the deal breaker.

You will have her, even when you feel like she is not the same woman you fell in love with. The vows come with no conditions after all. Nowhere does it say that “I will love and cherish you only ON CONDITION that you maintain your current beauty and charm. If that is what you hoped for, sorry, she will grow old (goodbye beauty!), become resentful (goodbye sweetness!) and bitter (goodbye charm!) with life, but remember you swore to love her in whatever state. She is yours for keeps, with all her flaws; some of which you knew about, and some that you are yet to discover. Forget all other charming, beautiful women you might meet out there, you will love and cherish only her.

She will be healthy but when sick, you will sit by her bed. Not her mother, not her sister, definitely not the maid nor your grown up kids. You sir, you will watch and care for her, not only physically, but emotionally as well.

Rich or poor, she is yours; when you cannot afford a decent breakfast, or when you live the life of a king. You are to love and to cherish this human being, in whichever state she is. This means that when she wrongs you, you have no choice but to forgive her. When she becomes unreasonable, you are to cherish her still. You will love her; whatever the circumstances till death do you part.

Woe unto you if the death of your partner comes before she is lowered to the grave. Nowadays most men kill their wives, before they have been taken away from this earth. Their death comes in the form of a mistress, a job, fame and even alcohol. Men don’t realize that having taken the vow to stay with their wives until death, do them part, they kill their wives when they let someone or something else take her place.

Are you a murderer? Did your wife die a few years into your marriage? When you said “I do” did you know what you were ‘doing’? If so, you should stick to your vows. Until your partner is lowered to her grave, love, cherish and be faithful to her. Marriage should be for the long haul and so I ask, do you?

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EVE: How to pamper Eve

You don’t need to have a reason to pamper your woman. After reading this, you better up your game Adam.

1. Household chores
It will not kill you to clean the house and put everything in its rightful place, most of the mess is made by you and your offspring anyway. Watch the kids for a change, and allow Eve to take a breather. Your bones will not break from washing dishes – helping her will not land you in the ER.

2. Make her a meal
Take a recipe book and try to create an edible ensemble, even if it is merely a boiled egg with spaghetti. Set it so that she knows you put effort and thought into it. She will appreciate the effort.

3. Wash her hair
Let your strong hands massage her scalp while washing her hair. The feeling is sensational; do not deny your woman this pleasure. Be cautious to use your hands more gently than when you are fixing your car.

4. Massage
A full body massage with soft music in the background of a dimly lit room, filled with scented candles, is close to heaven for a woman. She deserves this piece of heaven every once in a while.

5. Listen
This should come naturally, but some men take eternity to know what their Eves are ‘going on’ about – as they call it. When you look into her eyes as she speaks – stop nodding endlessly-and maybe stroke her face while at it, you will earn yourself some points.

6. Text and call
Speaking of points; you earn more bonga points by calling and texting, to find out how she is doing, how her day has been, and to remind her that you are thinking of her.

7. Express yourself
Adam hardly ever expresses his feeling for Eve. Tell her how much she means to you; be creative, be a poet. Leave her a love note, a single rose – something to say you love her. Never assume that she knows- she never gets tired of hearing you say it.

8. Surprise!
Surprise her with something she really wants. This means you pay attention to what she likes. Maybe it’s a book, a movie – take her to watch it, or get her the DVD. It could be a small gesture, but will mean the world to her.

9. Escapades
Run away from it all. Get away from everyday life, go somewhere just the two of you. No kids, no work, no phones. For the time that you are alone, make Eve the centre of your universe, and have a good time.

10. Milestones
Remember important dates; birthdays, anniversaries, first kiss, first conversation, when and where you met, what she was wearing, first house… the nitty-gritty details. And don’t just remember them. Commemorate them as well.

ADAM: I want to be left alone

So Eve thinks that  a white underwear will bring that brute called Adam to some semblance of modernity and civilization. Or that a seven-course dinner will melt his heart, and make Adam come running towards her. Listen Eve girl. If you wanna spoil Adam rotten, the by line is: Leave him alone.

1. Adam, like a wandering dog, ends up with the pack near the fence so they can pee in solidarity, bay at the moon, run after cars and just be dogs, sorry boys. Eve, if you want to spoil Adam, let him be with the boys, or is it dogs.

2. Adam is attached and clings to his mother’s petticoat. What did you expect? It is the place he first learnt his warmth towards humankind. It is the first face he set his eyes on. Expecting Adam to detach and cut off almost 30 years of a strong umbilical cord, would be suicidal. Eve, you wanna spoil Adam, let him visit his mother the way he wants.

3. It’s the biggest day in Eve’s life – her birthday! She wakes up in the morning full of life expecting Adam to make the day brighter (as if God has not already unleashed the sun in an otherwise cold July). Adam, being himself, neither remembers the day, nor reads the signs from the exasperated Eve. Of course Eve throws a tantrum, thus ruining two people’s day. Listen Eve, if you want to spoil Adam, lower your expectations and leave him out of your fantasies.

4. Neatness. Order. Something called entropy that Adam learnt says that, disorder and chaos are more than normal. So Adam leaves his hole infested socks lying around the house. And his clothes strewn in the bedroom. The law of entropy and the gods of disorder dictate that, these garments will be picked at some time. Eve prefers immediate. Adam prefers later. Eve, spoil Adam a little and let him enjoy freedom in his digs.

5. The NIS (National Intelligence Service) definitely is not recruiting any female ladies, or male women. So Adam is puzzled at the quizzical approach by Eve, about things that are better confined to history. Cut the obsession with the past, the mysterious present, and the unknown future. Eve, wanna give Adam a treat – leave him alone.

6. Those AFC Leopards fans and funs, call it Omundu khu Mundu or man to man marking. It is a tactic whereby you follow your opponent up to the substitute bench – that bad. And Eve seems to have perfected this dirty tactic. She knows nothing about football, but will insist on accompanying Adam to the pub and then ask silly questions like, “Why isn’t the guy in yellow (referee) not kicking the ball?” This man to man marking , will extend to dragging Adam to the supermarket to shop. Yes Eve, wanna spoil him, then leave him alone and go shopping alone.

7. The last person to have fussed about Adam was his mum. And he did not mind it so much because, it was his mum. So questions like, “Did you enjoy it?” “Was it good?” “Was I good?” “Do you like the food?” “How is my new dress?” Suffocating questions akin to being kissed by a camel! Yes, Eve, the guy needs to be left on his own.

8. So all of Eve’s friends are getting married or more specifically, are doing weddings of the year with a budget equals to one Adam’s annual salary. And Eve feels it is her right to get one such wedding. “He is a man, so he should jipanga.” And then years later when things go wrong, Eve will wonder what she did wrong. Wrong? You never left Adam to do the small wedding he could afford. That’s a treat.

9. Freedom of Speech. Adam loves swearing, or to be more precise, he loves shooting from the hip. And Eve flinches each time Adam unleashes a tirade of profanities. Eve, swearing is like farting – relieving. So let Adam be and let him spoil himself by saying it how it is.

10. Adam forgot his own birthday – big deal. Behind his back is you Eve, trying your desperate best to come up with a surprise so that you can earn some bonga points, and be in his good books. Someone who forgets his own birthday has reasons for doing so. So, leave him alone!

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Rev. Kiiru is a Godly man. He served as a priest in the African Inland Church-Kenya, for many years in various Parishes. In early 2000, he received a scholarship to further his theological training in Nashville, Tenn. Even though his children were still in school, he could not let the opportunity pass by. He therefore left the family in the hands of his very capable and dedicated wife, a primary school teacher.

America proved to be very sweet for Rev. Kiiru and before long; he realized that it was the place to bring up his young family. As he studied, he also tried his luck with the Diversity Lottery Visa. And because God is not Athumani; as they say in Pemba, lady luck smiled on him, and he was among the winners of the lottery that year.

“The whole family was elated by the prospects of relocating to these United States,” Alex told me when we met for a church cook-out at a local state park.

I remember asking him whether he would go back to his flock in Kenya. He smiled and rubbed his thumb against two fingers. I then realized that he had no plans of going back home.

Mrs. Kiiru continued teaching, with jubilation in her heart that eventually she would leave the poorly paying job, and board a plane to the states. Their three children were overcome with joy, and could not wait to join their father in Nashville.

The process of acquiring passports went without a hitch for the Kiiru family, after Mrs. Kiiru greased the hands of one immigration officer at Nyayo House. If you wanna slide, you gotta grease,” is the unwritten dictum in many government offices in Kenya.

The family disposed of some property to raise the relocation funds. First to go was the Toyota Corolla, that the church had given them as a gift some years back. Then the semi-developed plot of land in Ongata Rongai fetched some money. Last to go were their three cows and a calf, that had supplemented the family income through milk sales.

Finally, the family had to undergo a series of medical tests that the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Service requires of everyone who is planning to relocate stateside via the green card route. The US embassy in Nairobi has selected a list of civil surgeons and hospitals, where visa applicants such as the Kiirus go for the tests.

The Kiirus booked an appointment to visit one of the designated doctors to do a health fitness test for them. Among the many exams the doctor did included a DNA test, just in case an applicant decided to include his brother’s child and claim it to be his own.

“The Americans are not cockroaches,” I told Alex as we continued grilling the goat meat. “In the past, when the embassy denied you a visa, all you did was acquire a different passport with an alias as your new name. But technology has helped them go round these shenanigans of desperate third world citizens, who can sell a limb to cross the pond.”

“As I was saying, the blood samples took three weeks to be ready,” Alex continued.
Eventually the Kiiru family booked an appointment for the visa interview, one cold July morning. To avoid getting to the embassy late, Mrs. Kiiru had awoken the children at an ungodly hour and hired a taxi to ferry them to the interview, because she could not trust the Matatus for such an important occasion.

A consular officer at the embassy instructed the family to check back within a week, by which time, all the protocols would be ready.

“Visa denied!” read a stamp on the second born child’s application. Everyone else had their visa application accepted except the little girl.

When Rev. Kiiru lodged an appeal to have his daughter’s visa application revised, the embassy dropped the bombshell. Apparently, the DNA test showed he was not related by blood to the girl, even though she had a perfect match with her mother.

The puzzled family could not believe what they were hearing. Could it be true that the girl who was named after Rev. Kiiru’s mother, was fathered by someone else? Rev. Kiiru confronted his wife, who vehemently denied that fact.

For a second opinion, Rev. Kiiru went to Kenya Medical Research Institute (KEMRI) for another DNA test. The US embassy was vindicated.

“Being a man of God, Rev. Kiiru swallowed the bitter pill,” Alex told me. “He instituted an adoption process to have his wife’s daughter join the rest of the family in the US.”

I believe that Rev. Kiiru had read what Kahlil Gibran said about such matters:
“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They came through you but not from you.
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.”

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Several painful referee calls have plagued the World Cup tournament this year. Almost every game had referees making questionable calls, overlooking obvious fouls, and failing to award or reject goals because the quick pace of soccer hinders good judgment.

The most memorable and dramatic of them all, occurred in the round of 16th match between England and Germany, when the Uruguayan referee Jorge Larrionda and his assistant Mauricio Espinosa, failed to allow Frank Lampard’s goal, even though the ball crossed the goal line by several inches. Surely, the disallowed goal would have leveled the match before half time, and England would not have marshaled its players to attack more, leaving them vulnerable defensively. England Coach Fabio Capello agreed, “The goal was very important. We would have played a different style.” Germany ended up winning the match by a 4 – 1 score line.

The Argentina-Mexico match also had its share of refereeing controversies. Argentina’s Carlos Tevez was clearly offside, when the ball swerved to his head near the six yard line. He scored the goal to give Argentina the all important 1 – 0 lead in the first half. Even though Italian Referee Roberto Rosetti awarded the goal, a video replay on the stadium’s screens showed Tevez was offside, causing a heated argument between the referee, his assistant and the Mexican players, which almost became physical when the Argentinean players joined the frenzy.

But before the Mexican players can get too agitated, they should remember their group staged a match against France, in which Javier Hernandez was offside when he picked France’s Rafael Marquez’s pass, and rounded the French goalkeeper Hugo Lloris to give Mexico a 1-0 lead in the 64th minute. That controversial goal was allowed to stand, and subsequently eliminated the Les Blues from the tournament.

Painful you will agree, but not as painful as Brazil’s Luis Fabiano’s goal against the Ivory Coast, when he controlled the ball twice with his arms to pull the oxygen cord from one of Africa’s World Cup hopefuls. He didn’t even bother trying to deny, even though he gestured to the referee he had used his shoulders.

But some refereeing mistakes have been so costly and horrible. Some of the cruel decisions made by the officials included failure to award honest goals. For example, there was the “The Goal That Never Was” for USA’s Maurice Edu, against Slovenia. When Malian referee Koman Coulibaly blew the whistle to deny Edu’s goal, he blew away Team USA’s hopes of advancing from the group stages. The team had to struggle to win against Algeria to avoid elimination.

Two days later, in their match against Algeria, replays showed USA’s Clint Dempsey was fairly positioned when he scored in the 21st minute off Herculez Gomez’s rebound, but the Belgian referee Frank De Bleeckere still disallowed it.

Elsewhere, when Fabio Quagliarella equalized for Italy in the wee minutes of the match against Slovakia, the English referee Howard Webb, erroneously ruled him offside by a fibrous  margin. Following that loss, four-time champion Italy was eliminated in the group stage. Victories – and defeats – don’t come any tougher than this. Video replays indicated the goal should have been awarded. The stunned looks and the tears from the players and fans, told the whole story of how painful it is to lose from refereeing errors.

These are some of the blatant errors that prompted Argentina’s coach Diego Maradona, one of the tournament’s most colorful figures, to blast the World Cup referees, saying that rival Germany and Spain have benefited from “horrible” officiating to reach the quarterfinals. Maradona is absolutely right. He was referring to England’s Frank Lampard’s goal against Germany, which could have changed the course of the match, and the disputed red card Argentine referee Hector Balda showed to Portugal defender Ricardo Costa against Spain, saying “every contested situation went Spain’s way.”

It is not surprising  that the World Cup final might just be won from refereeing mistakes, unless drastic measures are put in place to bring transparency to questionable calls. The short-term suggestion by FIFA has been to add an extra pair of eyes behind each goal, but that has been lost into the sand dunes. With the tournament almost coming to a close, it’s unlikely that it might resurface anytime sooner.

Paranoia has already gripped teams headed into the semi-final stage, knowing that some of their rivals in this tournament either benefited or suffered from officiating errors. Goal line technology has been debated by FIFA for too long now, and their collective struggle to maintain the spontaneous nature of soccer has been their main concern. They argue that stopping play for referees to view replays on the screens, might hamper the traditional fluency of soccer and cause fights with players and coaches demanding to view replays before a game is allowed to continue. Well, they have a point.

However, from what has been witnessed in  recent games, goal-line technology is clearly justified. The need is growing fast, but FIFA is trying to ensure that there is no lingering evidence of referee rulings, frenzy from affected teams, or fans within the stadium,  like when Tevez’s offside goal was shown on Soccer City’s big screens. In fact, FIFA admits that “they shouldn’t have allowed people to see the real mistake.”

What it means is that, there will be two versions of the same game. The one everybody sees on the field and assumes nothing really happened, and the other which everyone with a television several miles away sees from replays. In the stadium, a disallowed goal, penalty or a red card given from a foul, would look as if they were almost close. But on TV replays, answers are available, since recorded images never lie.

Who knows whether lack of goal line video technology, will award victory to an undeserving team at the finals? And what will happen if another referee’s blunder costs a team the World Cup trophy this year?

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I have a mea culpa to make; there are a few things about me, which I do not understand. Take my waist for example. I have no idea what my waist measures. Whenever I go shopping for a pant, I buy size 38, thinking it is my size. But when I reach home, lo, behold! The pant turns out to be a bit large. So the next time I need a pant, I buy a size 36, and-you guessed it right- it is so tight.

I do not know why tailors the world over, are against those of us whose waist is size 37. Should we eat to gain one more inch, or should we diet and lose one inch?

The same goes for my weight. Either all weighing machines are faulty, my weight changes by the day. The machines I used last year gave me between 172 and 180 pounds. So what is my weight? I think my weight is season, and time dependent. In winter, I am heaviest for dressing in layers and lightest in summer. Heavier after lunch, and lighter upon waking up.

Back to clothing, I have absolutely no idea the size of my shirts. At times I buy size L only to be disappointed after one wash. Either the shirt shrinks, or I increase in size. I have so many size L shirts that I do not wear; I can easily start a mitumba business in Gikomba.

So I buy size XL, hoping that would be my size. They also disappoint me, because they sag on my body, like I am a walking scare crow. I am left wondering who they use as a yard stick to determine the size of shirts in China, where all my clothes seem to come from.

If you looked at my shoe rack, you would be forgiven for thinking that the shoes belong to different people. The reason is that they range from size 10.5 to 12; and they all fit me. So tell me, whose feet do they use to determine shoe numbers?

* * *

When I was growing up, water used to be a free commodity. It was so free you would visit your neighbor, and help yourself to as much water as you desired. Drinking water was in galore; from the flowing river in the village, to the taps in all households; from wells dug in village shambas; to dams spread all over the landscape.

The same water sources are still there. But something else changed; I went to school and chewed some books. I was told by my biology teacher that, some bacteria, fungi and bad stuff lurk in what I thought was otherwise clean water. Those bacteria and fungi could cause diseases that could kill me. Little did I know that my biology teacher was in cahoots with multinational corporations, to start a slow process of making me hate my childhood sources of water.

In the village, nobody gets sick from drinking straight from the tap. But tell that to yours truly, and my fellow tap-water-phobic educated type. And so it has come to pass that unless I drink water from a bottle bought from a supermarket, I am committing slow suicide. The situation is so bad that I now make tea, and cook ugali using bottled water. But do not blame me; blame the slow indoctrination started with my biology teacher.

Water vendors followed me to these United States, and I am sure they are the richest guys on earth. I have a feeling that theirs is a multi-billion dollar industry. Occasionally, when water vendors discover that their bottom line is affected by consumers, forgetting and turning to tap water to brew their coffee, a water alert is made in the local media. Announcements are made to the effect that, municipal water has been contaminated by sewer lines. EEW!

The next day, we all line up at the supermarket and water vending outlets, to buy water to cook our dinner and take a shower. Who would want to take a shower with sewerage water? I can predict that the next quarterly profits for water vendors will go up by a wide margin.

I have a feeling that in my lifetime, the good old air will also be on sale. We came close to that during the H1N1 fever scare last year. Everyone was arming themselves with a surgical mask, lest the virus got into their system. Watch that space; next time a scare like that happens, it will be said that the masks are not sufficient to protect us from the virus.

And so the global pharmaceuticals line up for that eventuality. You have heard it from my sources, who would not want to be named, since they are not permitted to speak about such sensitive matters. Mea maxima culpa.

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EVE says: Blimey blunders!

When it comes to relationships, this is where Adam goes wrong:

1. Trying hard. Don’t try anything with Eve, just do it. If it does not come naturally, forget it because she can tell when you only want to impress her.

2. Humility. Eve knows that, Adam flosses just to attract her. A man, who shows off at every opportunity, is a complete turnoff. What you are will show itself soon enough.

3. Acting. Trying to be “super man” does not help a relationship. Eve sees through the real person. When Adam acts the ‘nice guy’ or the gentleman who loves kids, sooner or later, the veil will come off.

4. Speed. Adam meets Eve, and the next day wants to take the relationship a base higher, before Eve is sure they are an item. If Eve is not interested in being your ‘chips funga’, this is not the way to maintain a lasting relationship.

5. Stereotype. All Eves are not like two peas in a pod. What worked with a former girlfriend, will not necessarily work with another. Adam makes this mistake, because he does not take time to know his woman. He assumes too much, and messes up.

6. Ironically, Adam blunders when he does nothing at all. He gets too comfortable in a relationship and forgets, until it dies a slow, natural death. Something like a good night’s kiss, an unexpected “I love you”, or special time for Eve, makes all the difference.

7. One good turn does not last a lifetime, Adam is naïve to believe that a present bought for an anniversary two days before, should cater for a birthday tomorrow. Every day is chance to reaffirm your love for Eve.

8. You are not the boss. Gone are days when men were dictators, while Eve nodded in agreement. Being domineering, possessive and arrogant kills a relationship.

9. On the other hand, when Adam goes to the extreme, and agrees to everything Eve says; does everything to please her; is at her beck and call; or puts her in a pedestal so high that Eve is uncomfortable, he is making a mistake.

10. Going by the good looks, and assuming her beauty will cover for shortcoming. She is drop-dead gorgeous, but does she make sense when she speaks? She could be a bimbo and a gold digger, conflicting with what you yearn for, but her looks will never tell you that, will they?

ADAM replies: Blunders, blunders, blunders

1. I am not your father and will never be. Stop the endless, revolving song, “My father used to take us to Carnivore for lunch.” “If my father was here….” I am the man in your life, and if you do not understand, then maybe my forefathers were right in returning a woman to her parents.

2. Lecturers are meant for universities and colleges, so, lecturing Adam like he is a student without an identity card should be confined to the theatre halls.

3. Mother hen. You are at a party and there is a speck in Adam’s eye, and a fat piece of sukuma wiki is dangling from his teeth. So, what does mother Eve do? Reaches out to remove the sukuma wiki, her hand dangling there for eternity? Message? Adam is one of Eve’s babies, and should keep that in mind. No! No! No!

4. Nil by mouth. Eve has decided she is not talking to Adam, until he apologizes for making a crude joke about Eve’s mother. Cool! But for how long can one fura without bursting. You see, life will go on as usual, and Adam will laugh hysterically at jokes to do with his mother-in-law. Eve will always unfura and come around.

5. Snooping. Adam’s territory, just like a lion’s, is sacred and should not be violated. His phone is his, not ‘ours’. His wallet is his, not ‘commonwealth’. And his jacket is hallowed. Desecrating these precious items is tantamount to declaring a World War III, and it is a war that Eve is bound to lose: Keep your hands to yourself!

6. History, history, history should be left to primary and high school classrooms. Why the interest in Adam’s past relationships? Why dig when you won’t sow. Adam knows the real danger to Eve lies not in past relationships, but in the unchartered waters of future relationships. The thrill is not in the past.

7. Suffocation. When will you propose? Why aren’t you marrying me soon? Can we go to Mombasa? Adam is often cool and collected, and knows that life does not begin or end with ultimatums. He would prefer if Eve went mos mos.

8. Gossip. Gossip. Adam had problems with spelling that word, and for a long time wrote ‘gopiss!’ Eve will discuss with other Eves, all that goes around, including some details about ‘under the sheet business’, ‘size is not everything’. And before Adam knows it, other Eves are looking at him suspiciously.

9. Wailing souls. Tears are beautiful when they tell a story, but not when they compete with the Budalangi floods. Worse is hysterical wailing in public that put any professional Luo mourner to shame. Cut the drama Eve.

10. Embarrassment. Eve, it is okay to embarrass your friends in public, but never ever do that to Adam. Don’t even think of it. Don’t even dream of it. Don’t do it.

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In Africa, the World Cup means more than anyone can imagine. At the moment, there is only Ghana, and the whole continent is behind it. The Black Stars’ performance against Team USA has surely revived Africa’s energy in the tournament. Ghana is surely listening to the African cry.

The first round is over. The din of vuvuzelas is becoming a nightmare by the day. More people continue trickling into South Africa. More teams are getting eliminated, and the true World Cup picture is forming. It’s wiring down to who will win what award. The World Cup Trophy, the Golden Boot, and FIFA Player of the Year awards are several days away, but after the first round, we want to award exceptional individuals and teams, some of whom have gone home.

BEST AFRICAN TEAM: The Black Stars, Ghana
The Black Stars, is the only African team to advance past the first round of Africa’s first World Cup. They recorded the first win for Africa in the group matches; have not lost a game and thrashed Team USA in extra time, to spring into the last eight. They are the third African team to reach the quarterfinals, after Cameroon (1990) and Senegal (2002). They now face Uruguay for a spot in the semifinals.

BEST PLAYER: Lionel Messi, Argentina
He is a thorn, a magnet, and the little flea, all in one. Argentina’s No. 10 hasn’t scored yet, but has delivered terrifying runs in the midfield, launched more than 20 shots on goal, unwound defenses, attracted opponents to lose their bearing, and open up acres of space for his teammates. It is this play that has allowed his teammates to bury 10 goals so far, making Diego Maradona look like he is actually sane.

SMARTEST PLAYER: Nicolas Anelka, France
After an expletive exchange with Coach Raymond Domenech, Nicolas Anelka was sent home, and missed France’s last group game against the Bafana Bafana . Even with the media hype about the Les Blues, Anelka spoke his mind, and intuitively knew France would eventually go home, unless Domenech changed his coaching and team selection. He was smart enough to quit the campaign early!

MOST DISAPPOINTING TEAM: England
After limping through to the round of 16, the team, loaded with English Premier League bigwigs, is torn with uncertainty. Germany handed England its worst-ever World Cup loss, a 4 – 1 score line. They made the English look slow, overweight and defeated. EPL big names such as Wayne Rooney, John Terry, Jermain Defoe and Heskey were undone.

BEST GAME: Ghana 2, USA 1
Ghana, had knocked out the Americans in yet another World Cup, in a riveting match ending by the same bitter score-line: 2-1. Easy to forget, will be Donovan’s spirited efforts to keep USA in the competition, with painful goals against Algeria and Slovenia, but Ghana’s Asamoah’s decisive goal in the 93rd minute of extra time,will continue to be USA’s heartbreak. Team USA had performed exceptionally well throughout the campaign, with late comebacks, but Ghana waited longer with the last nail, to send USA lads packing.

BEST SOLO GOAL: Carlos Tevez, Argentina vs. Mexico
Anger mixed with pride, can describe Tevez’s second goal, that drew the quarterfinal lifeline away from the Mexicans. Power, distance and accuracy are attributes that make it the best goal so far, eclipsing Spain’s David Villa’s goal against Chile, which was curled 40 yards in-field, from the top spot. In the build up to Tevez’s goal, the first attempt was blocked by a sea of Mexican defenders. As the ball suddenly landed at his feet, he figured another goal from more than 30 yards, would silence critics waiting to pounce at his sportsmanship. He marshaled his energy into one big fireball, pushed the ball a little ahead of him to the right, swung his body, and shot the ball with all his might. The ball cruised like a bullet through the still Johannesburg’s serene air, and curled acutely into the left corner of Óscar Pérez’s goal. As it shook and rested in the back of the net, the Mexicans were shaking their heads in disbelief, as Diego Maradona gave Tevez lengthy mafia hugs.

BEST CELEBRATION: Siphiwe Tshabalala, South Africa
Soccer is a mad sport. In this tournament, we have witnessed some bad referee calls, costly mistakes and worst injuries in a game loved, and played by both men and women . But when a homeboy scores, the madness rents every ventricle in the stadium. This is what the Bafana Bafana lads shared with the world, when Tshabalala’s shot tore through the Soccer City Stadium’s atmosphere, into the back of the Mexican net. The lads staged a synchronized winner-takes-all dance near the corner flag; one that songbird Beyonce should consider imitating; one that could easily be a Zulu dance of the 21st century.

BEST COACH: Diego Maradona, Argentina
He traffics the sidelines like a child looking for a lost needle. Wherever the ball goes, his mind goes with it. He behaves like he controls his players by some remote mechanism. Not only is he a genius, but a soccer fanatic too. His coaching ability has been underestimated by foes, and pundits alike. To add to his already mercurial behavior, he promised to run naked in the streets of Argentinean capital, if his team lifts the trophy. The remnant of his greatness on the pitch during his heydays, is manifested in his ability to have Argentina play enjoyable soccer.

WORST MANAGER: Raymond Domenech, France
Home goes Nicolas Anelka, after profanity-laced diatribe against Coach Ray; off goes the French captain Patrice Evra, just before the team’s final match against South Africa; followed by resignation of the team director Jean-Louis Valentin. The result of such bickering? First, the Fitness Coach Robert Duverne’s fall out with Evra before training, which culminated into the team’s refusal to attend a practice session. Second, the Les Bleus’ elimination in the first round, without winning a single match. To spray pepper into the eyes of every soccer lover, Domenech refused to shake hands with coach Carlos Alberto Parreira, after France’s 2-1 loss to host South Africa. Unsportsmanship you will agree, but be happy he is retiring.

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The 2010 FIFA World Cup tournament was billed an African World Cup, and pundits envisioned an all African duel at the final. But is it happening?

Algeria, Ghana, Cameroon, Nigeria, Ivory Coast and the hosts, South Africa, meant to champion the African cause. Yet to-date, their performance has been at best, abysmal. This is heartbreaking and shows that African soccer needs maturity. The six African teams are unable to contend for top honors in the world.

Hosts South Africa, had their ‘needle broken’ when they failed to win the opening match against Mexico. With all the media hype, music, vuvuzelas, and the home crowd rooting for them, their performance was not as scintillating as was expected.

Nigeria, find themselves in the same train. The Super Eagles were taunted as favorite, to qualify from their group alongside Argentina. However, their performance is void of focus, enthusiasm and the will to contend for the cup. Interestingly, the Nigerian team is the only one in the World Cup history, to have all its players playing in foreign leagues abroad. Despite this, the Super Eagles’ games lacked direction and purpose. I hope they will find their direction as they head back home.

Algeria for their part, wallow in Group C on the edge of a lifeline. Even with the draw against England, they haven’t shown titillating play, to qualify for round of 16. With one loss and one win, they are at the bottom of the group, with only a point. The team needed to win against Team USA, and hoped that Slovenia won against England. Unfortunately, neither happened, and they have joined the shameful list of teams which help others to win the World Cup.

Ghana, in Group D, have sheer luck, not ingenuity. In fact, their only story is their gamble past Serbia. A few days later, they were humiliated by a 10-man Australia. In this game, Ghana exposed its backline weaknesses and unorthodox midfield play. Well, right now, their main worry is to avoid elimination at the group stage. Ghana is the first African team to qualify for the round of 16, even though they lost to Germany, because Australia defeated Serbia whose success was Ghana’s only worry.

Cameroon, in Group E, is the first team to be eliminated after losing to Japan, and Denmark. The Indomitable Lions sit pretty at the bottom of the table with no point. A team that loses to Japan is a team that can not challenge for the cup. World Cup soccer is played with various instruments – psychological, tactical, physical and ingenuity – and Cameroonian players boast of at least two of these, yet they are the greatest disappointment for Africa. Truly, the Indomitable Lions know how to play. What they don’t know is to score. Their shameful loses came despite the presence of Samuel Eto’o, an elaborate player from the mighty Barcelona, Inter-Milan, twice a winner of the UEFA Champions League, and twice African Player of the Year.

Interestingly, the African supporters have shown united support for any African team in action. But the disappointments run deep and wide. In fact, all the six African teams in action have managed a meager 11 points from a possible 36; with Ghana’s victory over Serbia, and South Africa’s over France still the only success stories. This is shameful.

Striker Asamoah Gyan, scorer of the winning goal for the Black Stars, encouraged the other African sides in an interview: “We are praying for the other African countries because it is very important for us Africans to make sure that we go further than in the past.”

However, the vuvuzelas they blow all day long will not change the history of the African performance on the world stage. Since 1930, only two African teams have made the last eight: Cameroon in 1990 and Senegal 12 years later in South Korea/Japan. It is shameful to remember the infamous 1974 World Cup merciless thrashing of Zaire by Yugoslavia. In fact, by the time Zaire knew the rules of soccer, the game was over – they lost by a massive 9–0 score line!

Even though the 1974 edition is not a mirror image of the 2010 World Cup, the African teams haven’t shown any significant growth, the mutual teamwork, dedication and togetherness the continent needs to challenge for the World Cup.

There are several reasons why Africa is underperforming, including lack of attractive infrastructures in domestic leagues; coaches, whose appointments come so late, from outside the continent; hence no time to study individual players’ worth; over payment of foreign coaches, and poor remuneration of players which diminishes their morale; apart from the bi-yearly Africa Cup of Nations, there exist only regional competitions in Africa, usually club-based; and most African players play in different leagues abroad, breeding individual mentality rather than team mentality.

Unless the African teams solve such messes, we should forget the World Cup, and wait another decade. Certainly, in that decade, Africa should have only one strong team to represent it. In the meantime, Africa needs to pray for luck to have a team into the quarterfinals this year. Well, the answer to that prayer is within reach, only if Ghana listens to the African cry.

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