A baby shower for Alexander’s girlfriend

By PETER GAITHO
Published May 31, 2010

Last week’s chama meeting was held at Alex’s place, punctuated by sumptuous chapattis, irio, Nyama choma, pilau, kachumbari, and vegetable soup.

“I had one of the girls, do all the cooking you are enjoying,” Alex said, after noticing how perplexed everyone was, by the well laid out table. “I only did the nyama choma. I know this reminds you of Jamhuri, especially the married bachelors.”

For those not in the know, a married bachelor is a man who is by all means married, and might even have children. The only problem is that, his wife and kids are back in Jamhuri, while the man lives an ocean away, and only visits his house via Skype.

While enjoying the dish, we continued with small talk, and chit chat, about this and that. Mr. Mwai then called the meeting to order, and we lent him our ears.

“You all read how Safaricom posted good returns this year,” he intoned. “I am sure we will get better dividends this year from our stock.”

“Before you proceed, you said that last year, and the year before that,” Jack interjected. “It is high time we thought of divesting from NSE [Nairobi Stock Exchange]. I have not seen the benefit of being shareholders, in those Kenyan companies.”

“If you care to read our minutes, you will see your signature empowering the chairman, to buy and sell shares at the NSE,” I answered Jack. “Tena lazima tujenge taifa bwana.”

“Let us not dwell so much on Jack’s shenanigans,” Mr. Mwai said. “In due course, tutavuna matunda from our portfolio.”

“Don’t preach to me, not after you poured our $10,000 on a plot of land, that turned up to be a road reserve in Ndumberi,” Jack was clearly agitated.

“Hiyo ni hali ya maisha bwana,” Mr. Mwai intoned. “We did all we could, but you all know the rot in Ardhi House. Those land officers, need to be castrated.”

After a period of arguing, and haranguing, Alex cleared his throat, to attract attention.

“Gentlemen, you all know my girlfriend Anastasia,” he paused to let it sink.

Anastasia Wanja, happens to be Alex’s heartbeat, the only girl the Son of Maili Nne, Nyahururu, talks about all the time, especially when he is high on Miller Light.

“Tunamjua sana, is she finally coming to join you?” I asked.

“No, the issue is that finally, my seed did not go to waste this time,” Alex can beat about the bush once in a while. “She has finally swallowed the female cassava.”

“Can you speak in mother tongue, some of us are not good at decoding poetry,” Jack said.

“Alex is saying that his girlfriend is in the family way, and soon, there will be another child, resulting from a busted condom,” Mr. Mwai said.

“Congratulations are in order, is it a bull or a heifer?” I asked.

“Unajua Nyahururu General Hospital is unlike Mass [Massachusetts] General, cameras that look inside the womb are non-existent,” Alex offered an answer.

“In that case, we need to organize for a baby shower,” Mr. Mwai said.

“But the mother-to-be is an ocean away,” Jack said. “How are we going to convince the Diaspora that Alex is serious?”

“That will not be a problem, I am sure she can send a picture, and we blow it up for all to see,” I said.

“I still see a major problem, no one has ever had a baby shower, while his wife is in Jamhuri,” Jack, ever skeptical, said.

“Bwana, let me tell you, Alex has been to so many baby showers around,” Mr. Mwai said, “and he is well known, at the Baby’s R Us store. It is only good for his friends, to come to his aid.”

After deliberating on the logistics of a baby shower, I was honored with the responsibility, of informing one or two, of our close female friends, about the upcoming event. It was also decided that, since Anastasia is miles away, gift cards will not be accepted. A register will also not be opened at any store.

Eventually, we agreed to compose an SMS, to read like this; “You have been invited to attend Alex and Anastasia’s baby shower on 7/20/2010 at Maggie’s house. Come with cash or check. Thank you.” The message plus an e mail, were sent to Alex’s friends all over New England, and beyond. Our only hope is that, people will attend without asking too many questions.

Even so, Andrea Dworkin (1945-2005), said that no phallic hero, no matter what he does to himself, or to another; to prove his courage, ever matches the solitary, existential courage of the woman who gives birth.

Congratulations to all new mothers, and mothers-to-be, this year of many births.

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