My fears laid bare

By ADAM vs EVE
Published April 15, 2010

EVE:  My fears laid bare

Every woman wants to be absolute, whole, and complete. That is why, when we listen to our thoughts, we are forced to face fears that threaten our perfection.

a. Losing a child
There is no fear more profound for a mother. We protect our offspring in every way and losing a child, be it an infant or an adult,  is simply unbearable. After we bring them into the world, we are scared that we have no control over when they will leave . Not only because we lose them, but we lose part of ourselves too .

b. Old age
It is not just about the wrinkles, or the slight stoop. With old age come annoying stuff like menopause, the flattening of a once-upon-a-time perky bosom, and all that make us less than what we were. Old age snatches our womanhood away leaving us like a leaf. When Eve spots that creasing on her once-smooth face, or a white strand of hair on her head, she fears for what is ahead.

c. Unattractiveness
You should understand why Eve will scream her head off, when she wakes up to find a humongous (Okay, mostly it is exaggerated) zit sitting comfortably on her forehead. We always want to look attractive, and when something comes in the way, it scares the hell out of us. Eve knows that outward beauty contributes to attention from Adam. If men would work on their appearances as well. Hint, hint!

d. Abandonment
This is not easy to admit, but we fear being left without care. Truth be told Adam, even when we say we don’t need you, part of us fears you will indeed walk out of our lives.You leave a remarkable record when you walk out of relationships and marriages,which fuels our fears even more.

e. Weight issues
With every child, every ‘wrong’ food we chow down, we add weight in all the wrong places, which adds to the fear of becoming unattractive.

f. Physical attack
We see and hear all forms of violence. Grueling experiences of rape, and robbery sends a chill down Eve’s spine. We fear being attacked, and being violated. That is why our instinct is always to run for dear life. Never to confront, since Eve is no Makmende.

g. Terminal illness
Breast cancer, cervical cancer, HIV/AIDS all make it to this list. Add to this anything that might tamper with Eve’s biological functionality and womanhood  for example, barrenness, mastectomy and pelvic inflammatory disease.

h. Failure
Every woman wants to fulfill her role in the society as a good wife, mother, or child. Eve does not take kindly to being branded a bad employee or a bad mother. She likes to believe that she is a good wife, and it hurts when she is replaced by another woman, because she perceives it as a sign of incompetence on her part.

i. Competition
We hate to compete for men; we want men to compete for us. Most of the time, this perfect scenario is lost as we leave it up to Adam to make a choice. This sucks!

ADAM: Let me open my heart

The biggest nightmare for any Adam, still remains any ego deflators. Adam knows them very well. Here we go:

(a) Impecunity or msoto
If there is a feeling that makes Adam’s knees go weak, it is the absence of the precious brown papers in the wallet. Just the fact of not being in financial control, makes Adam quake in his boots. Somehow, these papers make someone feel powerful. No wonder most of high level thieves are Adams.

(b) Well, there is one anatomical bit that is dear to Adam. And it is not his heart or brain, but his member. Anything that hurts or interferes with his memberness (not membership), automatically strikes fear into Adam. This includes crude jokes about the (small) size of his member (history has it that the great Shaka Zulu’s military obsession, had to do with childhood taunting about the relatively small size of his member). So Eve, never ever ever publicly or openly mock the member of your Adam. It is recipe to instant war that you, Eve, are bound to lose very badly. With this memberness fear, comes any disease that strikes below the belt. Prostrate cancer is one; ED or erectile dysfunction is another. This explains why Adams are stubborn patients, and avoid medical attention at all costs. There is that fear of…….

(c) Mother-in-laws
Honestly,they are rubble rousers whose bite are mild and tamable. The real threat to Adam is the father-in-law. This guy says very little, sits at a corner of the room when Adam comes hunting and gives Adam the chilling look of “so you are screwing my precious little daughter.” Being an Adam, he knows all the tricks Adam uses to break precious little hearts. He knows all the corners where bad boys hang around. And he knows that Adam is cheating on his little angel. Be afraid, Adam. Be very afraid.

(d) Bills, bills, bills.
If there is anything that messes up Adam’s free flowing happiness, it is those monthly, unpredictable and erratic KPLC, Nairobi Water bills. Coming home to find the lights chopped, and the water cut, are gut wrenching moments.

(e) Closely related to these bills, bills and more bills is a monster called landlord. Unexplained increments of monthly rents, unexpected visits, and stubborn refusal to refund your precious deposit. In short, any phone call or visit from the landlord, is one uncomfortable venture.

(f) If one is lucky, or unlucky, to own (or borrow) a car , the biggest fear for Adam is two-fold. That contraption of a metal, will give up its ghost at the most unexpected moment: either when you are with a hot date, and are out to impress an Eve, or, if you are a family man, the metal will stall on your way to your (richer) brother’s kid’s birthday party. Or worse, the Kshs.200 fuel runs out half the way, and Adam has to leave Eve in the car, as he cleverly rings his taxi friend for fuel.

(g) Any driver’s nightmare: knocking down a human being, especially a kid.
Each day as Adam manouvres the treacherous roads, this thought is constantly in his mind. And the day it happens, the prayer is that nobody dies or get maimed.

(h) Playing second fiddle and always being second best.
As one anonymous said, “You do not win silver, you lose gold.” Adam is constantly scared of being in the shadows of other people. Ask any Arsenal fan how it feels to see ManU team lifting trophy after trophy year in year out. For Adam, its worse when it involves matters to do with Eve.

(i) Incapitation and redundancy.
Nothing chills Adam more than the thought or sight of some of paralysed and disabled Adams.

(j) In the end, we all die.
Adam’s greatest fear is losing loved ones. It is worse when they are children, who represent the future. Being the weaker sex, Eve please shut up, Adam fears permanently losing his Eve, to the other world. This explains Adam’s higher rate of remarriage compared to Eves.

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