What goes around, comes around

By PETER GAITHO
Published March 21, 2010

It was during our last chama meeting that I realized that there is a vicious cycle to most things in life. It was bird hunters in ancient Australia, who are credited for inventing the boomerang. Unlike arrows, or spears preferred by my ancestors, when a boomerang was hurled and it hit a target, then boom! If it did not, it would make a complete cycle and return to where it was launched, sometimes with deadly consequences.

“When I was in Kenya last month, I had one main sim card and four minor ones,” said Alexander Kioi before we started the meeting.  Kioi had visited his parents in Maili Nne, Nyahururu, after 12 years of absence.

“Forgive me for being ignorant, but what are you talking about?” asked Mr. Mwai, an an elementary school teacher in New Bedford, Mass., and a professional Em Cee at many Kenyan community activities around New England.

“He means that he had five girlfriends with one of them as the main one,” replied Jack Kimana, our chama secretary and chatterbox to boot.“Kwani hujui haya mambo Mr. Mwai? In Kenya, sim cards are sold in village kiosks at Kshs. 50,” I said.

“So Bwana Kioi had five different sim cards to communicate with each girl?” Mr. Mwai asked, amazed. “Why not use one card?”

“Bwana you do not understand the girls of today,” answered Kioi. “Every time my girl peruses my cell phone to see who I called or sent a text message, so to fight back, I got a sim card per girl.”

“That way you are never caught. Talk of chewing gum while climbing the stairs. Kweli vijana mmna mambo,” was all Mr. Mwai managed to say.

Because of this I will never lack material to write every week. Kioi is a handsome young man who seems to have made it in life, by virtue of living and working in Obamaland. He drives a modest Infiniti FX 350 coupe, and puts up in a well furnished single bedroom condo. He is also single and not in a hurry to settle in marriage. “Marriage is not for me now,” Kioi would say. “I value my freedom so much, sitaki kukatsiwa.”

Kioi is a ladies’ man. His six feet two, all muscled frame and attractive mien, ensures he has easy time getting girls to date and dump. So he was on top of his game when he visited Kenya in February.

From what Kioi told us at the chama meeting, he still keeps close contacts with Anastasia Wanja, his childhood girlfriend and “my future wife, if I ever get married,” as he puts it. But being the philanderer he is, he always has what he calls “minor sim cards” or “spare wheels.”

This is probably why some men and women in Kenya arm themselves with multiple sim cards. Of course there is the main number that everybody can reach. Others are kept secret and used for the spare wheel. Do not be surprised to learn that the said sim card might have only one number.

Where are they hidden? You might ask. That is why men’s wallets are little catacombs with crevices to hide this and that. The other day as I emptied my wallet, I came across a crushed and well preserved cockroach. It had possibly been lying there for, only God knows how long. Need I say that a lady’s shoulder bag also carries deep secrets?

Now you know why condom manufacturing companies are profitable members of the DOW Industrial Index. In an effort to avoid unwanted pregnancies and the numerous STDs lurking all over, the only known protection is the condom. Of course the users of this coition product have not been so successful in hiding what happens in the dark because of the many abortions, unplanned babies and the ever rising cases of HIV/AIDS.

Eventually, Kioi returned to the United States after two months of flaunting the green bucks in the dusty paths of Nyahururu. While he was home, he made sure to “sow some seeds,” as he puts it. “You never know which of the seeds will germinate,” he told us. “So the more you sow, the more you are sure not to be the last in your lineage.”

“But do you know one in four Kenyans, wana virusi?” I ask, as a matter of fact.

“Hiyo ni ajali my man,” Kimana answered even though he was not the one asked.

And it came to pass that Kioi returned to his hideouts, and is still popular among the Diaspora Kenyan girls. In his luggage were gifts to some of his girlfriends. Unbeknown to him and the girls, he must have picked a virus or two in his escapades back in Jamhuri. And everyone wonders why there is a high rate of HIV/AIDS in the Diaspora. Now you know it is from jamaas like Kioi.

It was Lord Chesterfield who said that, the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.

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