Ten things I hate about men

By ADAM vs EVE
Published March 4, 2010

EVE says: 10 things I hate about Adam

I will ignore the ‘medieval’ Adam who won’t shower, chews loudly with his mouth open, leaves the toilet seat up, belches and farts uncontrollably, or laughs like a hyena. Those are goners. I will address the civilized Adam, who in spite of himself, still commits some unforgivable faux pas. Hopefully, he will listen:

1. Over confidence. How do I break this to you; you are not every girl’s knight in shining amour. When we are still ‘strangers’ slow down and prove yourself. Don’t pounce on me like would a hungry lion on a gazelle.

2. Arrogance. Should I feel lucky that you paid me some attention, or that I came tops in your careful ‘selection’? I don’t think so. Stop being conceited – not every woman dies to be yours.

3. Braggadocios. If only you could refrain from bragging, we would be ever grateful. “My N series Nokia phone, my Mercedes Benz car, my 21-bedroom house, my this, my that, my my my ….” I am blind not to see that Rolex watch, your sleeves are rolled up for crying out loud! Here’s news for you, not all women care about what you own. Get over yourself!

4. Machiavellianism. We can detect the lies instinctively and know when something is off. Be honest; the “I was hit by a bicycle” ruse, when we can see you fell after a drinking spree, doesn’t take a genius to tell.

5. Kissers and tellers. Some things are private. Can you refrain from recounting details of our relationship to your buddies? Keep your conquests to the football games you attend; “We beat Manchester United,” when you can hardly play football. Make bets and gambles, but never drag your 15 friends to our bedroom!

6. Adams won’t understand women. When we cry and laugh, it needs no explanation, or does it? We are different and will not act like men. Are you really that thick?

7. Crying blackmailers. We don’t see you cry because you act macho, so we worry when we see tears running down your cheeks like a little girl. It seems quite an idea to use those tears to convince her, after she catches you in bed with another woman. Please!

8. Helpless sick men make me sick too! When Adam falls sick, your 4-year-old child will come out a champ. His helplessness is exaggerated. You might as well put him on diapers and a feeding bottle to get a perfect infant err… invalid.

9. Channel surfing. You watch something interesting on TV, and then what do you get? Switches between programs he has no interest in! Make up your mind and watch one channel! Is that so hard? Really?

10. Wearing the same old thing over and over. I am sure you girls know of a sweater, jacket, or a piece of clothing that won’t leave his back. Here is some advice: organize an ‘accident’ that will ruin the thing, shrink or change color while washing. Remember it’s more believable if it is someone else’s fault, like the house girl or your visiting sister.

ADAM replies: 10 things that drive me nuts about Eves

1. Fakeness. That God created Adam before Eve, makes Adam the original and certified image of mankind. The rest is all Chinese fakeness. Fake hair (aka weaves}, accents, nails,  friends, names, and lives in the name of soap operas. The phrase “If you can’t make it then fake it” was definitely coined by an Eve.

2. Clandestine movements. Whoever invented chamas must have been the idlest woman around. Ever tried piecing together the relationship between monthly chama meetings, and the full moon? Rumour has it that they have moved beyond bonding and learning sessions, to orgies where ‘sex’ therapists have infiltrated and taken advantage of Eve’s gullibility; all in the name of enhancement of sexual prowess. Cases of live demonstrations have been reported to the morals authority board. Your days are numbered!

3. Financial Illiteracy aka materialism. From the neighbour’s TV which you don’t have, to the black and white Great Wall, and the coloured TV. Then other things that the neighbour has and you did not have: carpet (or is it an Iranian rug?), car, holiday. Well, why not move into the neighbour’s house and prove me right about this entire hullabaloo about love?

4. Nagging. These Eves can talk on and on about your not squeezing the toothpaste properly, your holed socks, mismatched tie and shirt, toilet seats being left up (or is it down?), slurping while drinking tea, and on and on. Get used to it Eves because Adams are not going to change.

5. Historical. The reason the national average in mathematics has gone down in national exams is because Eves cannot figure out figures. Hence their switch to history to remind Adams about what happened 1,000 days ago – “Do you remember ogling at the woman at the bus stop?” Or “How could you not comment on the dress I wore that day  seven years ago?” And so we forget irrelevant dates like their birthdays (come on, I don’t even remember mine, so what is so big about yours?), anniversaries, doctor’s appointments etc etc etc.

6. Inconsistency. The time taken by Eves to wear clothes is inversely proportional to the time taken to remove them (for whatever reason). Why do Eves take too long in showers, toilet, doing make up, and to leave the house? Unofficial rumours have it that, some descendants of Eve wake up at midnight for the morning charade. Despicable.

7. Every wedding the Eves must have a new outfit with matching shoes. Everything? No, these Eves recycle bras and underwear because, no one will see that deep inside. Talk of fake, if it’s a make over, make it complete to the last cloth.

8. Phone etiquette and personal space. Eves are the ones who flash asking for credit (which you use on other friends), and raid his phone for his messages. Well? Tabia mbaya!

9. Moods. Waah, those are the bomb! In the morning she is on top of the world cracking jokes, talking to everyone and hugging anything around. Two hours later the expletives are more and more colourful. Only a lawsuit stops her from smashing your head. The crime? You said hi to her. God in his infinite wisdom should have created traffic like device on Eve’s bulbous nose: red – I am in a bad mood so STOP; green – go away!

10. Finally. Women should stop competing with men. Leave the smoking, drinking, swearing, peeing while standing and dogging to Adams. Adam perfected these on Day 1 of creation.

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