Gentlemen are extinct

By ADAM vs EVE
Published February 5, 2010

Eve says: Ladies, no gentlemen!

Let us revisit the story of creation where Adam and I here, just realized how different we are. I was formed from Adam’s rib. He got the muscles, the abs and naturally the strength. On my part, I got the sensual softness, and oh-so-glorious beauty; the delicacy of a flower. He even went gaga when I offered him an apple – I don’t blame him, he was not thinking straight. Sorry about that by the way, it’s what got us into all this mess, isn’t it? Bygones being bygones, he was instructed to toil, and to do all the hard work that makes him sweat; after all he has the muscle. I was told to bear children, given my capability to nurture and protect. Our roles were defined outright, and we have been trying to follow God’s instructions to the best of our ability. However, somewhere along the line, men became ‘vichwa ngumu’ (hard-headed).

I reaffirmed this one evening while walking home. I chanced upon a couple heading the same direction, with a small boy in tow, who from his constant ‘Mummy, Daddy; I figured was their son. The lady carried a bag full of shopping, while the man held his son’s hand and walked care-free besides his woman. Did I hear him whistle? Well, as he walked on, the lady had to pause now and then, to catch a breath before trying to catch up with him.

What is wrong with this picture? What was wrong with this Adam? He should have helped his lady to carry the heavy luggage. Was the guy blind? No he was not! He is just a man. We have so many men, but gentlemen do not exist anymore.

Many times, rogue behaviours have been displayed by men leaving me agape in disbelief. They will shove a lady aside, while boarding a bus or a matatu. A big-bodied man will shove your small frame out of the way, to get in and sit down quite comfortably without remorse! What do men want to prove by this? We already know how strong you are, you are a man for crying out loud! Don’t expect him to stand up when you enter or leave a room, because he could care less. Chances are he might not even notice you!

It is pathetic to the point of amusement, when you see a couple crossing the road, and the man maneuvers through the traffic, leaving his lady behind. Is it too much for a man to hold a lady’s hand, and help her cross the road? Many ladies admit that when with their men, they hardly ever feel like they are ‘together’. A gentleman would offer a lady his arm, and walk side by side with her, however slow she walks. If only such gentlemen existed.

Did something change in the universe, to make men think that we are men too! Well-mannered men do not curse, or talk loudly in front of ladies. But you hear all four-letter words and wonder if it is a competition. They spit wherever, some light their cigarettes whenever, without bothering to find out whether someone will be offended by it.

With such uncouth behaviour from the males, expecting them to open doors, and pull out chairs is just too much, don’t even go there. We have learnt to live with that. It is however so irritating that they cannot practice standard courtesy.

Today’s men are rough, uncivilized, mannerless, discourteous, impolite and thoughtless. They ogle and stare, and make catcalls. They whistle while a lady walks by, and some even dare to scratch themselves in inappropriate places in our full view. God help us!

Adam replies: “Ladies are unrealistic in their expectations……”

Gentle men, for once I agree with Eve on gentlemen being extinct,  because in the world that I grew up, there are only good people, not bad people.  My dad turns 79 today. Happy Birthday dad, and apologies for dragging you into this. It is Eve’s fault.

Dad, or Mzee, like most men of his generation, is a traditional man, who believed in mother staying upcountry to look after the ‘homestead’, as he toughed it out in the city. Hence my siblings and I, were literally brought up by the tough Mzee. When we were young, the old man bathed us, and supervised the bathing of my three older siblings and two cousins– don’t mind that my brothers always found ways of escaping the bath, but Mzee always had ways of finding out. “I did that when I was your age so try another one!”

There are five areas that Mzee scored highly in. Firstly, he neither partook of any alcoholic beverages, nor filled his lungs with smoky or weedy nicotine, and this had more to do with his own personal principles than with religion. Mzee was not fanatically religious, hence allowing us to attend the church of our choice. It was my first lesson, and a priceless one, to respect people’s religion.

Secondly, being a civil servant, Mzee was always home by 5 p.m. (those days jobo used to end at 4 p.m. because people would work half days on Saturdays), to supervise the evening chores. This entailed cooking, washing, homework, though as kids we had numerous chores to perform; mainly lighting the charcoal jiko and washing dishes after meals. Mzee also fully participated in the weekly thorough cleaning of the house. And man, wasn’t he thorough?

Thirdly and which I considered the most visionary and influential decision made by Mzee, was sending all his children to (Catholic) missionary schools since he believed that the future lay in education, discipline and religion. This was in spite of the fact that Mzee himself was not Catholic.

Fourthly Mzee could cook. Those traditional dishes, mostly boiled food, that have made Kosewe into a household name, were common dishes in the house. Till now, I still eat well kneaded and cooked ugali (’kwon mochwiny’ Luos say) by that old man.

Fifthly Mzee had, and still has, humour. The house was always full of laughter and pranks; anecdotes were a daily dosage in the household. It is something that all his children have inherited. But in retrospect, there was a small hitch, though at that time it didn’t seem to be one: money was scarce. There was constant shortage of resources. Outings were unheard of. I remember my school uniform was the best clad I had, and it did not bother me to wear it to church. No one in the house noticed this. No one minded. What mattered was everyone’s happiness.

Time passed, and we grew up, moved on and moved out; the lessons learnt permanently engrained in all of us. Mzee retired from civil service and from his pension, he bought his first suit. He moved out of town and retired upcountry.
Mzee‘s children took centre stage and being one of them, I tried my best to live according to Mzee ‘s maxims. Some worked, others did not. Courtship was one of them, and here I got the biggest shock of my life. Suddenly one’s presence alone was not enough to win the fair ladies’ heart. The market was corrupted, and there was more emphasis on the material and action: flowers, chocolates, dates, movies. The art of wooing and impressing the fair lady, took over the state of being. Hypocrisy was the order of the day, as young men tried to dance to the tunes of their supposedly intended targets. Values became valueless, and two distinct categories of people clearly emerged: the good ones and the bad ones.

So what really changed since Mzee’s time? Would you classify Mzee as good man, or a real gentleman? Would Mzee pass the modern fair ladies’ test? Between Mzee and McDonald Mariga (Kenyan footballer who was meant to earn a basic pay of Kshs. 40 million a month in the United Kingdom), who would the ladies choose? Does a broke man qualify to be a gentleman? How many mothers would willingly give their daughters away in marriage to a broke man? What do ladies really, frankly, honestly, genuinely, sincerely, and truthfully want in a man?

Happy birthday Mzee. Still there are questions whose answers you never gave me. Maybe it is one of those things that are never passed on, from father to son, especially from a good father to an equally good son, who learnt that the essence of being, is to be yourself.

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