Marriage: The extinction of an institution 1

By LAWRENCE CHITERI
Published January 14, 2010

How many times do we hear people mainly from our African continent blame woes befalling social life, on the cultural foundations of our past? It has for long been thought that cultural practices were and are still all repugnant to modernity, change and development. The basis for sophistication has for a long time been the trendy ways, whose catch word is denial; yes! Wanton denial of the tenets of the past and in toto. Interestingly, a look at several spheres of life today, proves that except for extreme and irrelevant practices, the base line was that cultural practices did not per se, serve no end.

This series will isolate one major aspect of life and practice in traditional Africa called marriage. Marriage among the people of western Kenya particularly around the lake; was an integral part of the rituals of passage. It was not only a ritual of passage, but serious business; In keeping with the policy of “I am because you are, and since you are therefore I am”. It was a highly communal concern, making it the collective business of more than just two individuals. There is no denying that some marriage arrangements, tended to border on forcing unwilling partners to live together. However the intentions needed to be evaluated.

Many of our later day teenagers graduating into marriageable couples, thought and still do believe that they are free to identify and marry the persons of their private choice; and that is freedom. Brothers and sisters, freedom is only important in as far as responsibility is attached to it. Many people will agree aver that the free choice and execution of marriage today have vindicated the “old fashioned “mode of courtship and eventual marriage.

The trend is that I meet a girl today, fall head over heels for her, strive to reach her and after some recited and memorized poetic verbiage; we have fallen in love at first sight, this is probably Monday. On Tuesday, I have delivered red flowers to her at the office, taken her out to dinner, and she ends in my bedroom; the obvious ritual transpires, because it is love at first sight.

On Wednesday, we have exhausted the infatuation and the fire begins to extinguish. We however do not know it, but it is on the back pedal. On Thursday, we are on telephone exchanges and on Friday we are married; after a flashy wedding mainly meant to show financial might and braggart intentions, we are on a honey moon. This happens to be the first time we really are getting to spend a complete 24 hours together.

The sourness of reality begins to brew and we both realize that we are not compatible, we begin to entertain petty divergent views from eating , laughing and sleeping habits to favourite this or that; on Monday we are contemplating divorce and it is suddenly all over! The consolation is that, this is fashionable, and we can always get another shot at the game called marriage today. The inevitable complications begin to unfold and there was a baby conceived during the hot moments; only that the innocent product will be lucky to relive the life of their parents.

Friends we are in a rut, we have profaned our selves, our society and our future; we have swallowed hook bait and sinker, the heartlessness that comes with modernity wrapped in the train from the west. We have proved what Chinua Achebe once said, “they put a knife on the things that held us together and we fell apart”. We have commercialized every facet of life, and the worst culprit is this poor institution called marriage; today it is hardly an institution, but an industry for recycling experimental emotional outbursts, selfishness, and passion.

Truth can be bitter, but there are myriad more cases of broken marriages today than was the case many decades ago. The irony is that the marriages today are considered a result of free, independent, modern choice; while the ones in the past were considered remotely controlled marriages. The worst truth is that many marriages today are Christian- based, and vows like “till death doth us part” are solemnly uttered during weddings. Many people have wished that the phrase “till death doth us part” was omitted from the vows, otherwise why do they run mechanical unions while they have secret affairs outside “official” marriage?

Anyone who thinks that free marriage is about modernity, can tell it to the birds, from the time of Romeo and his Juliet in Shakespeare’s world, to traditional Africa; and the who is who in society today, parents and other stakeholders have, and will still hold sway on who marries their children. Those quick at backing every supposedly new horse, crying out loud like the proverbial outsider weeping more than the bereaved; have themselves to hang for not ruing their stumble.

Why would one think like this? Because trust me, there is no way Sasha and Malia will get married to Patrobas Odongo who sells vegetables at Kogelo market; you know why, even if they claim to be in love it will be star crossed!. You will agree with me that, that Kibera maandazi seller will never marry Raila Odinga’s daughter whatsoever; or do you think because Kalonzo Musyoka is saved, Pastor Mwenda of that village church at Isekuru can as much as say “I love you “to his daughter. You know why the Artur brothers hunted from state house, won’t you guess? This is only a peep into the real thing as it trickles down the social, economic and religious ladder. We are going to walk down marriage memory lane, brace for it.

Peter has just decided that Ruth is the apple of his eye, it is 30 years ago somewhere in western Kenya, let us find out what happens. You will envy it. Welcome to the house. It is a journey into the distant past. No fiction.

To be continued.

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