Events that shaped our world in 2009

By SYLVESTER OLUOCH
Published December 30, 2009

Hindsight can get grumpy with a hard laugh when you come to think of it. As we fold up 2009, we fondly pluck from it cherished memories of events that shaped the world.

January 20 saw Barack Obama crowned King of the free world; even as the global citizens politely referred to it as America’s Presidential inauguration. The crowning was not exemplary, for being the first time; a King of unknown birth place took the crown.

In this great year, Raila Odinga the god of dissent, struck common ground with Dr Alfred Mutua the parrot; for real! They agreed on decorating Nairobi with rocks, as opposed to flowers; – their reason? It is cheap; what a creative way to save, and they also agreed that when it came to attendees of climate talks in Copenhagen; there was no need to “cut costs” Hey! What environmental consciousness?

There was a famous hangman in town. The West call him prosecutor. In Kenya, we think he is the persecutor; Moreno-Ocampo, terror itself, at least before arriving in Kenya. After showing up, the big boys realized that they were quacking for nothing; the fellow had no intention of dragging anybody to anywhere, phew Kenya rocks!

Committee of Experts worked a disappointing proposal for Kenya. But there is one problem: it will have to go through the same Bunge that traded Ringera issue for Mau reclamation. Some people think the draft is bad enough; I don’t. I am waiting for it to leave the hands of waheshimiwa. Lord, please have mercy on us.

The lead be header, I mean Mungiki leader Saul Maina Njenga, heard the Lord saying “Njenga, Njenga, why are you persecuting me?”, and became guest of Pastor Margaret Wanjiru. That is what Pastor Muiru calls kuna nuru gizani.

This is the year that Paul Sang saved the Mau inhabitants. How in the world did somebody succeed in misleading the entire Kenyan citizenry that rain comes as a result of forests? Anybody seen that before? Long live Sang, short-live the water towers!

Across Lake Victoria, Yoweri Museveni, the compatriot held on against all evil. How could those Baganda dream of semi-autonomy? What is that anyway? The stand is one Uganda, one people, one brain- after all only the President thinks. Baganda is not even half as tough to pronounce as Migingo, that is why Museveni won it from Kenya, and the crane would still be flying there if those njaruos did not uproot the railway line. Hey the issue was Migingo, not the railway line….njaruos! What is?

While still at it, UG was the favourite legislative power house in East African Community. Why regulate behavior if you can legislate morality? That – Kill the gays – bill was a master piece. African culture must be upheld at all costs. What else could get a fortnight of coverage on the prestigious America’s MSNBC, “The Rachel Maddow Show”, run by a cross-dressing “man”? The law enforcement will not as much as strain, for anyone who knows of any immoral person (read gay) and fails to report, will serve jail time. Hello Ugandans, time to know your neighbours!

Enter Uhuru Kenyatta the acrobat. Deputy PM, Minister, typist, spokesman, and yes, technocrat. How did Kenyatta come by all these accolades? Blame it on panic. When Kenyatta’s typewriter acquired a brain of its own; and added Kshs 9 billion, yes with a big B, it was time for fire-fighting. He marshaled all skills in his books and issued a gag order; not only for Ministry of Finance staff, but also for all parastatals under his watch. Yes, we need more acrobats in these ministries; we might spend very little, with one man doing 2,000 jobs; never mind that very little will get done. Ultimately nothing is getting done for us anyway.

Whoever thought Kenya is not in league with USA and Great Britain? Don’t they grant asylum to individuals fleeing their countries because of political oppression? We just did the same to 12 breathing Eritrean celebrities – soccer players, and they believe Kenya is a great nation.

The reincarnation of KANU was visited upon us. Dubbed KKK, the Kamba, Kikuyu, Kalenjin tripartite marriage attracted many derogatory names; some of our people spied a KANU kama kesho, literally translated as KANU like tomorrow, or simply KANU forever. Yet there was no need for all the fuss. Those who were around in the ‘good old days’, will agree that KANU made Kenya a true land of milk and honey, you could get rich without trying, and only those with bad politics suffered. The return of KANU is nostalgic.
Balala even remembered to disown his Arabic descent, and claim origin from the Kamba nation; if that is all it took to belong to KKK, I love KANU, oh yeah, like bile.

In this great year, rocks spoke in Emuhaya, western Kenya. The rocks were talking HIV and AIDS, and castigating stigmatization.

With a year so memorable, we thought we had it all in the bag, until a Nigerian boarded a plane with diapers and baby powder, ostensibly to ignite himself and down a jumbo jet. When he lit it; there was no explosion. But going by where he carried it, there will be no future copies of him.

The highest prize goes to Tanzania, it just added the albinos to the long list of endangered species – few but hunted by millions of predators.

What a year?

Related Posts