If you support polygamy, then you should support open marriages

By RENEE MURRAY
Published October 23, 2009

You tie the knot, and you are happy for a while. Then sooner or later, problems begin; the novelty wears off, and reality sinks in. Alas! You realize that you are living with a human being, an ordinary human being, and not a knight in shining armor. You care about him very much, but he is human. Bummer!

Being human, hurting you once in a while is inevitable; disappointment, once in a while is a given. His humanity, could blame for his weaknesses. Maybe he cheats on you, but then again; men are polygamous by nature. Excuse his straying, he could not help it. In marriage, you cannot always get what you want. Compromise is the name of the game. So when you hurt once in a while, he is your best friend. He knows you, and understands you, more than any man ever will; and you would think, this would restrain him from hurting you.

If you can excuse his straying habit, and uphold your vows by not making divorce an option; and if in the same breath, you accept that men are born to be unfaithful, or marry more than one wife, then do you have a right to find fulfillment elsewhere, while married to him as well?

Polygamy has been discussed so much lately, and each time I come across people with an open mind to support it; I keep hoping that they are aware that in a way, they should also be open-minded, to open marriages. Think about that woman, who has given up so much, just to be with that man. Is it too much to expect a man to be attracted to, or be intimate, to only her, for the rest of his days? How do we balance comfort and stability in marriage, with the desire for novelty and freshness? How does one reconcile the yearning for freedom, with the need for a settled life?

I think polygamy gives men that balance. For us, we either stay faithful to one man, or forget about marriage. It is clear-cut and simple.

It is obvious one person can fully satisfy a woman’s needs. What your man cannot give, you can find in another man. But women understand the concept of marriage better – which is about sacrifice, and compromise – than men do. How else would a man intend to marry another wife, and claim that polygamy is second nature to them? If a woman can marry, and stay faithful to one man, why can’t men?

Just as men need someone to comfort them, just as they have the urge to get away from problems synonymous with marriage, just as they need to escape when things get chaotic, and need intimacy every so often; so do women.

It is unfortunate, even wrong, that many women have, and continue to lead miserable lives, simply because they honour their vows. Men on the other hand, are a classic example of one having his cake, and eating it.  We only have one life. It is a pity that women, dedicate all their lives to men, and do not get much in return. Just like polygamous men find fulfillment from more than one partner, women should do so to, if they so wish.

Picture a man in a polygamous marriage. After arguing with wife number one, he has wife number two, to comfort him and vice versa. The two, give each other a breathe of fresh air, because of their uniqueness. If a survey were done to find out who leads a happier or more fulfilled life, chances are that, a polygamous man would take the price.

If your man is faithful and does not look anywhere, you owe him the same. But if he cheats (and don’t pretend you wouldn’t know when he becomes unfaithful), I suggest you have a serious tete-a-tete with him. You should give as much as you get. Your life starts ending when he has someone to go to, when he has a bad day, and you have none.

Open marriages require absolute honesty, and comprehensive boundaries, drawn to the detail. Not many couples can pull it off, but given that relationships are so messy nowadays, one can only try. Look at the children we are raising. Thirteen-year-old girls having sex, and getting pregnant. These children have parents, but they are either too busy working, or fighting each other, to even love their own children. Little girls are out there, looking for someone to love them. What they find is something that looks like love, only deceitful, and exploitative.

As a society, we have it all wrong. I believe it begins with how we relate with each other, as a couple. If we have no love for each other, then honestly, we are doing more damage than good. If we are happy, and fulfilled as individuals, our source of fulfillment notwithstanding; then we can pass the same to youngsters who need our guidance.

Polygamy versus open marriage; pick your poison. Most important is to find that place, which will make you answer this question in the affirmative, ’Am I happy?’

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