How much do you love him?

By RENEE MURRAY
Published September 17, 2009

A couple considering marriage will always want to believe that love alone will keep them together, forever. Statistics negate that, showing that chances that the relationship might not last are high. Half of marriages today are ending in divorce; these are statistics we need to consider before walking down the aisle and saying “I do”

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread and so, however much we are told about statistics, we get married believing that we are not part of them. We rush in intending to do things differently because our love is indestructible. We promise to weather the storm and come out of it victors simply because we want to experience the “happily ever after”, that is becoming increasingly elusive by the day. Some find it, but unfortunately, others do not.

In a bid to seek ways of avoiding the road to doom that is now being taken by half the married couples, does a prenuptial agreement help or is it a bad omen from the word go?

Here is a document telling you ‘how much’ you are worth to your partner, so to speak. You and your partner are signing it in the name of taking care of the “what-ifs”. Does that really help a marriage in any way? To most people, this may look like putting an expiry date on the marriage. The fact that half the marriages are ending up in divorce is bad enough; will this contract make it worse? It gets a bit confusing when you are standing before a priest and before God, vowing to stand by your partner “for richer, for poorer” while a lawyer somewhere has your documents, where you have already “planned” for the divorce even before the wedding ceremony is over.

The whole notion of a marriage is ‘’forever”. There should not be ‘what-ifs’ or ‘if our marriage ends’. There should not be, but there are. Having considered all the reasons why someone may not be for the prenup idea, let us now try and see the reality of relationships today.

We want our love to last, yes. We want to stay married forever, true. We want to totally commit to our vows and share all the joys, sadness, riches and wealth that come our way, very commendable. We commit to all this with the intention of upholding the vows. But we are human, and people and circumstances change along the way. We want those things, but however much we try, they sometimes elude us. I am sure no one gets married hoping to split up some day. Things happen that are beyond our control, and when they do, we choose to roll with the punches or to take a walk. That is life.

Heartbreaks are messy, and yes, expensive too. Women especially need the prenuptial contract now more than ever. The main reason is because we think with our hearts. We love unreservedly and our emotions always cloud our judgement, making us blind. When we finally take off the rose-tinted glasses, it is usually too late. And we curse ourselves then, because we should have known better. Men on the other hand are reticent when it comes to love and hardly ever lose track of their goals and ambitions in the name of love. Their emotions do not get in the way of business and mostly, they have themselves covered in case things go sour. Many men are paying child support to their estranged wives or girlfriends these days. So, is it time women embraced the prenuptial agreement? It is time woman; it is time to embrace that piece of paper and make it work for you.

We are experiencing an economic crunch like never before. Men are also affected. We have very successful women, who in spite of their success are still women in the emotional sense. That man might want to make a fortune out of your sweat. Don’t let a whirlwind romance make you lose everything you have worked for. That contract will cover your assets. We can never insure our hearts from being broken by our men time and time again. But make sure he does not leave you heart broken and broke.

Romantic love is great, but like it or not the fountain runs dry at some point. Marriages do not succeed because of love alone, mostly it is the safety net of friendship, commitment and mutual respect that holds the two people together when that fountain runs dry. So, what if your man turns out not to be as committed to your union as you are? What if he falls out of love with you? What if he finds someone else? Are all these fears real? Absolutely! You might even fall out of love because the person you married is nowhere to be seen. In his place is a man who cares less about your well-being and is only interested in your finances.

Think of it this way; if you are contemplating marriage and considering signing a prenuptial agreement as a precaution, it means that you accept the odds that you might be engaged in a nasty, costly and emotionally draining divorce some day. You are being as realistic as real can be. This is a very touchy subject to introduce to someone you hold dear to your heart, especially in the African setting, and it is bound to elicit some unpleasant reactions from people close to you.

Better safe than sorry, go with that and you will be glad when your heart is bleeding, but you can afford a roof over your head. Things will be better when you can fall back on your own two feet if he leaves. It is tough drafting such a document because it requires using your head and not your heart. It is even tougher given that you are dealing with someone you love dearly, but it can be done. If you can only take a few minutes from thinking with your heart and use your head to cater for the unknown, then it can be done.

Years later, you might cherish those few minutes when you thought straight with your head.
Prenup helps you prepare for war, in advance. Nothing is certain with relationships – the thin line that separates love and hate can be crossed in a flash, leaving you shocked and confused. When things take a turn for the worst, if they do, wouldn’t you rather be prepared? Prenuptial agreements are like insurance policies. Just do the paperwork, and leave it to gather dust as you pray and hope that you will not need it. Who knows, you might form part of the statistics on happy marriages and enjoy the ever after. Who knows? No one knows and so, before you walk down the aisle, ask yourself; how much do you love him?

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