Maintaining long distance relationships

By AMOR NAMUOTO
Published August 18, 2009

As a couple having all the ingredients of a happy life, Richard worked hard to pay for Irene’s USA visa fee and airfare. Richard believed that his wife-to-be would help him migrate to the land of opportunities if she succeeded in securing a student visa to pursue graduate studies in the US.

Irene got the visa and migrated to the US as planned. While in America, she discovered that girls typically get married at age 21. She did a quick check on some of her African friends and discovered that many of them were either in open relationships or married to Americans.

Richard, on the other hand, knew that he had invested in his lover and was patiently waiting for her to reciprocate. The couple conversed a lot about their relationship, but Irene soon learnt that despite the deep love they had for each other, the vast distance between them was taking its toll on their relationship.

Irene joined Facebook and discovered that many of her former schoolmates were married with children. The friends, she found out, settled down with different partners and none of them succeeded in ‘importing’ their former lovers. Then came the ‘most-trusted’ advice Irene had been waiting for. Two of her close friends warned her against ‘importing’ Richard for fear that that he might dump her for a mzungu girl (white woman).

The truth is, many African men fantasize about having relationships with white girls just for the adventure. White women are also comfortable dating African men because of the uniqueness of the experience. While some African women get into relationships with whites for convenience; money and ‘class’ motivate others.

Such habits lower commitment levels spouses offer their partners back home and also characterize many problems encountered in long distance relationships. Many African women abroad enter into new relationships, knowing that their spouses are waiting for them in their home countries. Many of them opt for non-binding affairs, meaning they are mainly interested in sex and the presence of a man in their lives rather than love. Regretfully, many of them even get involved in ‘booty-calls’ to alleviate their sexual wants, as they wait to travel home to reunite with their spouses. Just like many African women abroad, Irene too found herself in this predicament.

Long distance relationships aren’t new to us. Think about military personnel who go for peace missions with the slightest hope that only luck would bring them back; individuals who fly abroad for further studies; truck drivers who spend their lives crossing state lines; businessmen who must travel to make ends meet; and athletes and politicians who consistently travel across continents to various events. They too have loved ones. They too have feelings. They too maintain long distance relationships. How do they do it? The key is self-respect.

Why don’t many young people get it right?

Pursuing professional careers away from home has led to an increase in the number of long distance relationships. Many couples assume that such academic endeavors will take just a few seasons, and don’t usually give much thought to the implications studying away from home will have on their relationship.

My personal story, similar to Irene’s, makes me understand what these individuals go through. I also know that many foreign students, scholars, expatriates and visitors in any foreign country find themselves cocooned in such relationship webs they can’t extricate themselves from; and end up despicable, not knowing how to save themselves. Surviving long distance affairs isn’t easy. It needs commitment and courage to make them work.

In my case, it was being ‘mum’s-child’, which spoiled me; otherwise, I would be married to Alicia by now. I still recall the emotional electricity that rent the air when Alicia and I embraced just after I proposed to her six years ago. That was a few months before I got a scholarship to study in the UK. The scholarship letter, which was encased in an envelope I thought contained both our fates and luck, had with it some strips of doom. Three years after landing in the UK, I realized I would not be going back home any time soon; and so I had to find a ‘substitute’ for Alicia. However, the ‘substitute’ I met never atoned for anything Alicia meant to me. She was simple though, but her ambitions and attitude towards life never blended with mine. We quarreled regularly, especially when issues of money came up. Then we separated.

Then I started thinking of Alicia – my Alicia. I realized there is no ‘substitute’ for her yet, and there will never be; and the only solution that ever existed is to tune my mind to accept that distance is actually nothing when love is involved. I have learnt something new; something fresh; and something stronger than anything I ever imagined. Luckily, for me, we talked things over with Alicia and even though we have not seen each other for six years now, we are marrying each other this October. I never confided in her about her ‘substitute’ I had found, and I guess that was why we were able to rekindle the romantic fire once more. It is this new awakening, which keeps our relationship strong despite the distance that I want to share with you.

I never take communication for granted

To steam up my relationship with Alicia, I maintain daily contact with her through IM and Voice over Internet Protocol (VoIP). At the beginning of this year, I sent her a laptop equipped with a webcam with which we are able to chat and see each other in real time. With the poor internet services in Kenya, the length of the connection does not matter to me; what is important is the ability to see my Alicia via webcam. It mimics ‘close-proximity’ relationship in every way. We also compose love poems and messages and email or text them to each other, which usually jolts my heart with love and affection for her. The power of communication has proved to us that we should never take it for granted. To me, the image of Alicia talking to me is synonymous with her soft whispers in my ears as I sleep.

We defy the distance

To defy the mighty ocean of separation between us, we usually think of some activities that we used to engage in while we lived together in Kenya and still find ways of doing them. We know that many TV stations, including KBC stream live programs, so by logging into JUMPtv.com, we are able to watch our favorite TV shows simultaneously. We also keep our chat windows open and discuss as the shows continue. Hulu.com is also our favorite website because we love watching Big Brother together. In so doing, we improve the interaction between us hence helps in seaming our relationship.

We identified innovative ways for bonding

Alicia and I have synchronized our alarm watches to go off simultaneously everyday at 9 p.m. (Kenyan time) to signal time we set aside for thinking about each other, and exchanging quick texts of “I love you.”  I also sent her a photo calendar I created on Vista.com website with our pictures on important dates describing what good things we remember about them. It has our engagement day and birthdays, and tentative wedding day and honeymoon week. Very powerful tools indeed, because the pictures I placed were those we took during different romantic outings we had together.

She never nags me

Alicia has never insisted on one particular way she wants to be treated. She also understands that making international calls is very expensive and the time difference is big. She is happy with what she gets from me; whether it’s a short email or text message. Many women are thankless even if one tries, which usually causes discontent that culminates into unnecessary quarreling. But Alicia is a down-to-earth girl whose satisfaction only comes from a lovely text message, email or a short phone-call. No expensive flowers, cards or presents. The trick is ‘no nagging!’ In my case, it frees me and makes me miss communicating with her. I simply love her.

We take ‘absence’ positively

Alicia uses my absence positively. She spends more time with her family and friends than she used to; reflecting on our relationship as she waits for me; and meditating about our future together so that when we shall reunite in October, it will be dramatic with lots of pleasure in being together. That way she is able to contain the struggles that suffice from the loneliness. Again, absence makes the heart grow fonder, so they say.

We discuss our future together

We have learnt to desist from getting into lengthy conversations about people, while forgetting to discuss intimacy of our relationship. We have discovered that talking about our sexual relationship confers better relaxation than even swimming. Moreover, discussing when the ‘long-distance’ part of the affair will end helps in nurturing our patience, dedication, commitment and affection to each other.

We have learned to trust each other

Despite being a jealous guy, I have learned to trust. By dating Alicia oceans apart, I have come to understand that the intricacies and difficulties involved in keeping the romantic fire alive involve a big chunk of trust. We never get into the habit of interrogating each other on every little thing we do because we know people socialize wherever they are. We simply allow ourselves to maintain our own social networks and be happy as long as we trust each other. And as a couple, we have set realistic goals that we know we can achieve without much strain. Lack of trust is what weakens the heart, and when the distance is included, relationships can easily crumble.

Visiting each other

This is something I have not done myself, and I am sorry. Over the years, I have learnt that physical presence is more powerful than just sending emails and text messages. The lack of that physical presence is what swayed my heart away from Alicia a few years ago. That is why I have now budgeted and planned for the October trip so that I can shower Alicia with love I believe she has missed for 6 years. A friend told me that consistency in such trips is the best pill to make an impact in long distance affairs.  Right now, I can only swear I will always go home during summer or Christmas holiday to spend the festive season with her. This might change because after our wedding, I would love to bring her to the UK.

Maintaining long distance relationships is still a nightmare to many people. But maintaining communication is very important in bridging the divide that creates a vacuum between spouses worlds apart. Several African girls and boys abroad are either ‘potentially single’ or decided to ‘move on’ when they figured they couldn’t ‘import’ their lovers. Irene (in the US) and I (in the UK) have been culprits; and, Richard and Alicia the victims, so I know.

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