Real Women Appreciate Jealous Men

By JACOBS ODONGO
Published July 19, 2009

Men are dogs. All men are liars. If these phrases are coming from the sharp tongue of Lawino, then Ocol should know she is riding on a colt at that moment. But then when she begins saying “men are jealous, I hate jealousy, and he wants to keep me to himself . . .” things are not alright, brother.

Unfortunately for most men, they get to hear of it a little too late. By then, she is feeling that Arnold is so poor in bed that even McCain would have beaten him to the yellow oval office. So, all the praises go to Patrick. It is at about this time that poor Arnold will realize that the votes he had accumulated in the December polls amounted to nothing, as he cannot even stop Kibaki and Lucy from holding the Bible, and being sworn-in from the State House instead of the traditional Uhuru Park.

By the way, what was I supposed to be talking about? Oh, women and jealousy. Yesterday I was at my desk trying to beat a tight deadline with my phone buzzing incessantly. My editor wanted her story. And fast. A TLC touch on my shoulder and a waft of an inviting perfume, and the next thing my tired eyes saw were sets of sparkling white teeth.

Clarah, one of my flirt-mates had come. A tender hug that I extended into a tight embrace followed. I forgot all about the deadline. Deep into our flirts, she gathered the courage to broach what had brought her this particular day.

“Me and Chris are done,” she said, trying hard to sound proud of this latest achievement of dumping her boyfriend. Want to know the reason? “He is jealous, he wants to keep me to himself, doesn’t want me to go out with other men . . .” I cut her short with, “Now why are you telling me all these? So I can come in, huh?”

“No, and please I’m serious; I need your advice,” she responded. The weirdness in me wanted to push more flirtatious buttons, but then I realized this chic was in a maze. But then, what advice would you give Kenyans who celebrated like Obama was the biblical Messiah, and then when the time finally came for the son of Kogelo to visit Africa, he chose a more politically upright John Atta Mills? Hey, news had it that most Kenyans were upset, and jealous over Obama’s decision to ‘dump’ them. Hmmm! Let’s go on.

Clarah, all men are jealous just like you women say we are all dogs and scumbag liars. And jealousy is healthy as long as it isn’t an acute case like the kind that results in doing Othello on Desdemona by smothering her (William Shakespeare).

If Chris implores you to stay steadfast, to forget about clubs, chips and chicken from the other side of the fence, then think twice before you make him hear things from me. Don’t we all know how miffed a minister will be if he gets to learn of a cabinet reshuffle from the press?

How on earth would a creature so perfectly molded like a woman expect to a full cabinet minister, who also doubles as the MP of her tender constituency to stand and watch as the ballot box is stuffed with suspicious papers? A real man has to stand up and speak his mind, urge his missus to avoid the temptation of wanting to host the World Cup when they are not ready, only to end up having to quell striking stadium workers. A real man is one who does not pick a panga like the Jaluos did in 2008. Instead, he moves with his hands in the pocket and seeks to address the issue square.

And as the heartthrob, you should not run away from that jealous one. You will go to Migingo and realize later that some shabby fisherman is claiming that island belongs to him. Your efforts to cling to it will lead the relatives to the head of your state to urge him to send real troops to chase you out of the island. And you will look pathetic as you try desperately to call irate constituents ‘mad Jaluos’.

So, if you don’t want a jealous man, sure you can get one-in-one hundred. But are you ready for their ways? My idea of most of them is that they graze offside like Van Nistelrooy on a typical soccer day. And when they score, tabloids cheer them on, thanking them for conquering hearts. When they see you with other men, it is like they have seen Sir Alex Ferguson trying to field another player. They will pretend they cannot stand sitting on the hard bench, playing a substitute’s role. They will tell the Fergie that they need to play 90 minutes every other game. But the reality is, they know they will walk out of Old Trafford, and the next thing the Bernabeu is moaning under their exploits.

So, dear Carol, would you choose the cool jealous one, or the professional player who goes as far as visiting America on a holiday, where he flings away with Paris Hilton? The choice is yours, but the tears are for our shoulders to hold.

Reach Jacobs Odongo at +256 782 970 042 or jodongo@eafricainfocus.com